In the Box

We've all heard it before "there's a difference between listening and hearing". It's really hit me hard over the last couple of weeks. Some people are so wonderful about really hearing others--what they're saying and how they're feeling. Sometimes you can hear with words and sometimes without. It occurs to me that some of the people that are the worst at hearing are those closest to us. The ones that think they know us so well so they "know" how you feel, what you think, or what you mean. The other barrier to hearing is having a preconceived idea of what the person is going to say. Sometimes that is because we love someone so much that we want to hear the are fine, things are better, and they're doing great. We want that so much that "we hear it". It's hard to step back and realize that just because we have known someone for years and know so much about them doesn't mean we can know what they continue to think. People change; they grow; they have new ideas, new life experiences; new challenges, successes and failures--all these things change how people view themselves, others, and the world.

It's wonderful to have those around that know us well--that indeed at times can almost read our minds, but we must all remember that life is about changing and because we understood yesterday doesn't mean it hasn't changed.

I wonder if we do that with God too? We have an idea of "our God"--how our God responds to us and the world and by not allowing that idea to expand, we miss out on seeing new and wondrous things--we miss out on seeing God work in new and marvelous ways. It's so easy to pray to God and then look for the answers--to "see signs" of what God wants for us. Are we looking for the signs that fit our preconceived notion of God or the signs that "fit" what we want?

It's time to step out of the box--to allow ourselves and those we love to evolve--sometimes that means we have to learn new things about them; how exciting! Sometimes we may learn things we don't love or that bring us some pain; but we have to trust that although the changes may not fit what we want for that person, maybe they do fit the person. And God? Let's get God out of the box--our relationship with God changes as we change. Trust--trust that the relationship will just grow stronger and that we will learn more and grow as our relationship deepens. We have to trust that God only wants the best for us even if that seems to change; even if it means stepping out of the box.

Ash Wednesday and Excess

For the past several days I have been thinking a good bit about what to give up for Lent this year. There are always the standards--sweets, alcohol, snacking between meals just to name a few. The problem is due to life right now, I've given up a good bit of that. The other problem is that I know deep down there are many times it's more of a diet time than a true sacrifice. My mind has also turned to what to add as a discipline instead. There are many I could do--longer devotion time in the morning, night prayer every night, increasing our giving at church and so on. All this thinking has led me to consider the purpose of Lent and how to remember that every day and not just when I want a cookie or a glass of wine.

Lent is a time in the desert. A time to reflect and a time to prepare for Easter morning and the glorious gift that God has given us in the resurrection. How might I best use this time to draw closer to God so that Easter morning is more meaningful; so that Easter morning is more this year than it has ever been before? A new beginning for myself and for the world. This year I'm giving up excess. I started to take stock in all the excess in my life--starbucks grande latte's instead of a tall drip coffee, two glasses of wine at dinner instead of just one, seconds on dinner just because it's delicious and not because I am still hungry, checking/playing on facebook several times a day instead of just once--these are just a few. Excess seeps into my life all the time without me even being aware of it. This Lent I want to be more aware--more aware each day of the gifts God has given me--the funds to buy that extra large coffee, a laptop and computer access all the time, plenty of food. And in being aware, I will also be aware of the excess and that will not just be my sacrifice for it really isn't a sacrifice, but rather a time to remember how blessed I am and to give thanks. A time to be more aware; a time to remember.

Can't Stop Smiling and feeling so blessed

I started seminary last week, and I can't stop smiling. I also can't stop yawning as this experience is so exhausting. I feel so blessed that the family has really stepped up to help and be excited for me. Every afternoon all four children independently ask, "how was your day at school Mommy?" It's so wonderful to hear. They've also started doing small chores like unloading the dishwasher, folding laundry, with little to no complaints. I recognize they should have been doing these things all along, but it was so much easier to do them myself. Plus I was trying to be super mom.

I also can't believe how much support and love I feel from Chris. The massive amount of reading and studying has already started, and he keeps encouraging me and also picking up where I feel I'm falling behind. The first night of class, he took over cooking and cleaning the dinner. I think the true miracle was that I didn't try to control his every move!

I talk to other seminarians, and I feel so blessed. I know we all have our own struggles to overcome--me being an involved wife and mother while in school full time, but I am so thankful for the love and support of my family and friends. I'm not worrying about being able to pay to put food on the table or how I'm going to pay for books. Yes it's a hardship and we have to budget more, but we can do it. There are so many that gave up everything and moved here for seminary. They've uprooted their children and quit jobs. I can't imagine the stress they are under. So next time I complain that I have too much to do, I need to reread this. I do have a TON to do, and I am worried about doing it all, but I can't stop smiling that I'm here in seminary and that my family loves and supports me so much.