Tolerated Step Child

I went to Diocesan Convention yesterday; it's supposed to be an uplifting community building event, but for me; well, I felt like the tolerated step child. It didn't seem to matter that I was there, and to whine further it took a great deal of effort to be there. I am exhausted (which perhaps exacerbated the negative feelings) from having a child in the hospital, two other sick children who are just getting well, and as I was on the two hour drive to the convention, my eldest called to tell me she had the flu--doctor confirmed. Add to that a husband who isn't feeling well but is doing so much (here I feel the guilt of depending on him), a paper due, a test, and mountains of reading. So, it did take some effort to get there. And then...

I know that I didn't come up through the ranks of this Diocese, and really I was thrust upon it. I had discerned in two other Dioceses; although the Bishop and the Commission on Ministry didn't have to accept me, I'm certain they felt some pressure. Nonetheless, this is the Diocese supporting me for seminary and this is the Diocese in which I will serve--most likely forever, and I felt simply tolerated. I said to myself and to others it didn't matter, but I lied--it did and it does.

It mattered that I was barely introduced

It mattered that the woman sitting next to me (although later kind) cut me off when I was speaking in a very abrupt way

It mattered that my very pastoral rector sent me a note listing the seminarian interns from St. Mark's and added my name to the list (an impressive list too!)

It mattered that the chair of the Commission stopped to ask me about my children by name

It mattered that a leader barely spoke to me and when hearing my child had just been discharged from the hospital made no comment and walked away

There were lots of things that mattered and pretending they didn't isn't true to myself or others. There were glimpses of grace and love and I'm holding on to those because the overall feeling I was left with was "you can stay or go it doesn't matter."

A learning moment? Yes--a moment to remember that we all need to matter and we need to know it. God created us to be in community and relationship and when we pretend it doesn't matter, we are turning our back on part of what God created. I don't need standing ovations, pats on the back, awards on my wall, but I do need to know that the community to which I belong supports my path, believes in my path, and wants me to stay. If that's not the case--it matters and I need to know.