Doubt Expressed

It's been a hard few days. I left the beach which is always difficult for me; the beach and the south--my home. And I returned to the ordination question still pending--date set PENDING final approval by the Standing Commission. And while I try to be patient and to trust the process, it gets hard and there are many more moments of doubt than I would like. I begin to question whether I am good enough, worthy enough, intelligent enough, kind enough--really any "enoughs". The doubts creep in and begin to take hold creating a wind stream of my emotions. I move quickly and roughly between fear, sadness, joyful anticipation, and anger.

Also in these few days, I have set with a parishioner whose mother is dying, and she is so incredibly sad, angry, fearful, and occasionally at peace. She has asked me to eulogize her mother and to capture the inner beauty of her mother a person who is giving and kind, loving and accepting--a mother we all deserve but don't all get. My parishioner is scared; she knows she must let go of her mother, but she wonders who she is without her. She knows that her mother will be at peace, but she wonders if she will. As I think about these two things--my life of waiting filled with doubts and the death of a wonderful woman, I realize they are related. I wonder who I am or who I will be if I am not ordained. Over the years as I have answered the call, becoming ordained has become part of my identity, part of who I am, part of who I was created to be. And my parishioner wonders who she is without a living parent. And we both have doubt; fear and anxiety, and every once in awhile a complete sense of calm and peace.

On my run this morning, it struck me that doubt is a part of life. Doubt is not unbelief, but rather the deep desire to continue to believe no matter what. The desire to stay connected to God; to stay in conversation with God. Being able to express doubt--being able to question, to cry, to rage-- says that I trust that God is bigger than my doubt and my emotions, and I trust that no matter what God is with me, and God is with the dying and with those left behind. Embracing my doubt, acknowledging my doubt and my emotions, allows me to move into a deeper relationship with God. It allows me to be who I truly am, wherever I am, and it allows me to trust. Doubt expressed leads to a deep abiding trust.