Two days ago I read a blog post on facebook, and I've been seething ever since. I have been creating and recreating a response in my head and getting myself more and more worked up--I even "argued" with my husband who tried to see the author's perspective and give a different view. (Keep in mind my last blog post which tells you the state of mind I've been in). Today running, I decided I was going to respond and put this author in her place, but first I was going to re-read her post so I had ammunition. And I did; and I realized that I had misread some points and that I had built it into something that it wasn't, and yet I'm still not satisfied just leaving it as it is.
The author is a guest blogger for Forbes blog, and a friend of a sorority sister. I should have known my friend wouldn't post something as absurd as I created it to be. Here is the link. http://www.forbes.com/sites/deborahljacobs/2012/04/15/a-working-mom-defends-the-lululemon-stay-at-home-mother/ I will admit, however, I still have some issues.
My first was being defensive, "I don't need anyone to defend my choice to be a stay-at-home mom" but really do I? Isn't the fact that I'm so defensive mean that somewhere inside me there is doubt, insecurity, need for validation? I think the part that I had the biggest problem with, and blew out of proportion was when the author said, "A lot of those moms may wish they were employed outside the home but can’t find a job, or can’t find one that would pay more than the childcare they would inevitably have to compensate someone else to perform. Or maybe they are in an abusive marriage with someone who controls them, won’t let them work, and belittles them if their body fat gets higher than that of a supermodel." This comes following her statement that we shouldn't judge people by how they look. So although, I now don't think she meant it as condescendingly as it originally seemed, I still feel the need to publicly (or at least for myself) give a response. And the best way for me to do that is to tell my story.
Sixteen and a half years ago I gave birth to the first of our four children. Throughout my pregnancy I vehemently stated that I was going to continue to work; I wanted to work, and frankly I made a larger salary and carried the benefits for our family. Less than three weeks after Sarah Katherine was born, I woke Chris in the middle of the night and tearfully told him that I just couldn't do it. I just didn't want to work anymore. Chris held me, soothed me, and told me it was fine. I didn't have to and we'd be fine. And I believed him, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
Chris, I'm fairly certain, did not go back to sleep. But this man that I married, as opposed to an abusive controlling man, knew me better than I knew myself, and throughout my months of pregnancy while I shouted to anyone who would listen that I was going to work, he was quietly making plans for the day or night when I told him I didn't want to. So Chris changed jobs; he left a job that he was passionate about, that he loved, and that made a HUGE difference in people's lives. He quit his job as a teacher and coach and bought a business. He swears to this day he is still fulfilled and still loves his job and all the jobs he has had since, but there is a part of me that still grieves for the students who never had "Coach" coach them or teach them history. He was that good--
Fast forward three more children--not once did Chris complain about the overwhelming stress that he must have felt; not once did he complain about getting home from a 10 hour day and then bathing and playing with the children. Not once did he complain about my Sunday afternoon naps; no, he just continued to give. The author of the blog talks about the Lululemon moms who wear $85 exercise clothes. I couldn't be one of those, but when I was jealous about those who could, when I wanted to wear nice clothes like the working moms, and when I went and spent money we didn't have to make myself feel better by looking a certain way, he didn't insist I take the clothes back. No, my husband, told me that I was important in whatever I wore and if I needed it then he would find a way to pay for it. (Although I did have to promise not to or at least to try not to do it again). And he chided me for spending money on the children's clothes encouraging me to spend it on myself instead. But himself, no, he spent no money on himself. He convinced me he liked wearing the old comfortable khakis and really didn't need a new blazer--he said he didn't wear it enough. When we did have to buy one, it was only discount shopping for him.
I didn't stay home because I couldn't find a job, because we were rich, or because my husband controlled me. I stayed home because we decided that it was the right thing for our family. But the story doesn't end--
When our family heard the call for me to enter the ministry, again my husband said, "I'll do whatever you need." And for three long years he has done just that; we all have. We have adjusted, juggled, cried and rejoiced with the changes that have rapidly occurred. Was life easier for Chris when I was at home full time? In some ways yes--I did the grocery, the dry cleaning, the laundry, chores we now share. But have we grown as a family with the changes, absolutely! I wouldn't trade the fourteen years I was at home for the world; there are many days I still crave them, but now our lives have changed; we've taken on a new direction.
This morning I sat by the hospital bed of my parishioner's dying mother. She asked me how I came to be in the ministry. I came to this point because of a call and because of a husband and family who also heard and answered and because of a choice--to work or not.
The author was right; it's not about appearance and we do need to stop judging people based on what they wear. We need to just trust; trust that each of us is doing what is right for us at the time. I wish it were just all about choice, but there truly are those who don't have choices--instead of judging one another, perhaps we could all unite and support those who have no choice?
It's not about appearance. But yesterday for Chris' birthday, I gave him a long deserved new sports jacket. Doesn't he look handsome?
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