As Chris went upstairs to get his bags to fly out this morning William whispered, "Can we go parasailing now?" Me, "Why are you whispering?" William, "So Daddy won't hear; he'll say no. He already said no." Me, "Then why would I say yes?" Caroline, "Because you always say yes to things Daddy thinks are a waste of money." My head jerked up and I looked at the babies. "What are you talking about?" Caroline, "The system--who we ask what for what." My head was seriously spinning. "Are you kidding me? Ya'll have a plan? What is it?" William, "You know--we know which parent to ask for different things." Caroline, "Yeah, like if we want to go to a friend's house we ask Daddy. If we want friends over to our house we ask you." I was still incredulous at how simply they were stating this as though it should be obvious to everyone. "What else?' I inquired. Caroline, "well it's surprising but if we want to buy food from the snack bar we ask Daddy. If we want to buy other stuff we ask you." "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!" I bellowed. "Daddy is the one who complains about what ya'll buy from the snack bar!" (Notice how I ignored the other?) I continued, "Are ya'll kidding me? You've thought this all through?" Caroline, "Yes, it's a system. Didn't you have a system growing up?" I must have looked totally bewildered because she said, "Oh yeah, you grew up in those days." Again I chose to ignore.
Later in the afternoon I asked the Big Kids. "Do ya'll have a system of who you ask for what?" SK, "Well I did but now that I have a license it's changed. Before it wasn't that Daddy would say no if we wanted to go somewhere, he just didn't want to drive out there." Boss, "Yeah he'd say he was watching the news or the game which I totally understood." SK, "Yeah, you didn't want to drive either; that's why you always were saying just have people here." SK, "I ask Daddy for clothes." Boss, "I ask you." They have seriously spent time working on this system.
And now I'm thinking about the last few days and the balance I'm trying to keep--the system I'm using. Last night we called Shawn our soon to be exchange student. We're really excited about him coming--SK is not. It's hard for her--she feels like we're moving on without her-replacing her. None of which is the case, but I get it. After I got off the phone she was quiet; Boss was elated. He kept going on and on about how excited he was and how he and Shawn would come visit her. He didn't notice the tears in her eyes. What I know is this--Shawn coming says to SK that she won't be here to be part of this next Doyle Family adventure. Shawn coming makes her feel on the outside. And Shawn coming helps to band aid the open gaping wound that is in Boss' heart because his best friend is leaving. Chris and I are holding both in tension....
We're bringing Winnie home on Saturday. We're not really ready; Avett hasn't been gone long, but we need to do it while SK is home. It's important. It's the right thing to do but it's tense. Everyone wants to go when we take her to school. We've thought about it, prayed about it, and we've had to make a decision. SK needs to assimilate into the UVA community with excitement and not worrying about her siblings--and she would. She loves them and they her. Part of the joy of rearing children close in age and close in relationship also brings some sorrow when they begin to separate. We have to choose, to balance--she needs to be able to let go (or at least loosely hold on) and she can't do that if they're there. They need to know they won't be forgotten. It's a delicate dance--and Chris and I are the amateurs choreographers.
When I really think about it, this is the way of life and of faith--holding opposites in tension--both equally valid, both equally good. Boss has a caustic sarcastic humor; William is super sensitive. Both need their space to be; Chris and I need to balance their needs--they are often at odds with each other and it breaks our hearts. Bu then they bond; Boss becomes outraged when someone picks on William. William becomes defensive when someone tries to frame Boss. And we hold that too. (And frankly keep them from beating the sh** out of other people.) SK is going to UVA which is her dream school, but it's not everyone's. We need to celebrate her without making another's choice less than--because it's not less than. It's just different. It's hard--holding in tension the joy of my college years, combining them with SK's and realizing there are plenty of other equally good schools. (The fact that orange and blue seem to be the color of the season is not helping--it's everywhere!)
Here it is, the dark secret I've kept for 7 years-- I want Chris to go every year to his triathlon. I love these guys; I know he loves these guys, but every year I feel isolated and left out. There I've said it; I've admitted it publicly. I have a really hard time each and every year during this weekend because I feel like I don't matter, like he has another life that is void of me, and I fear one day he'll choose that life. Holding opposite emotions in tension, at the same time, without breaking-that's life; that's love.
I want to serve the church, and I want to be a stay at home wife and mother (Chris says he'd like to drive a race car to work too). I want to share everything with my family, and I'm terrified they will judge me and find me less than. I want to do all the laundry and I want everyone to be appreciative. I want to give my children everything and I want them to be grateful and appreciative, independent and successful. I guess I want it all--all the good without the frustration, without the pain. But that's not life.
We all live lives of tension-lives we're trying to balance, systems we're trying to make work. Some days we feel like we're doing well, and some days we feel like it's all we can do to keep our heads above water. Some days we feel like we're breaking out of the boundaries, out of the one thing or the other, and other days we want to hide within the catagories, the stereotypes we have so carefully constructed. It's hard; it's painful; it's impossible without God.
God knows no boundaries--with God there are no not this/but that's; with God there are no either/or's. With God there is no having to choose between those we love--with God there is only love and acceptance and what we each need, not at the expense of others but encapsulating others. God doesn't have to choose--doesn't have to keep the balance. God is the balance--the equalizing balance. And with God's help, I'll figure out how.
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