For days this has been on my mind. I usually write blogs in my head and from my heart before they get to paper, but this time I can't, so it's not coherent-I'm not sure it makes sense--but I know I have to write. I have to get it out there because it is eating me up--(pun not intended). I have to get it out because for the first time in years and years, I wore a dress the other night; I looked in the mirror and thought, "I look good in this." and then I felt guilty for thinking that. I felt guilty for spending the $49.99 on it just to make myself feel "good." And I was ashamed that I thought something positive of myself. And I knew I wouldn't feel the same the next day on the beach or in another outfit. Waste of money...I don't deserve to feel good--I'm not good; I'm not enough.
I keep seeing these ads on facebook--"Husband almost filed for divorce but then she lost weight" And I think, "Really, we are celebrating this? People are liking this? Sharing this? Cheering on a husband that would leave his wife because of her weight?" I don't get it but then you know what? I do get it and that makes me sick. I get it because I know I have thought to myself, "How do those two fit together? He/she is so fit and he/she isn't. They don't match--how can one be so obese and one so fitness obsessed?" I guess there are some couples--or at least one person in the couple--who also wonders how they fit and so chooses to leave unless the other person loses weight. I get it--these are ads; we don't know these people are even real. But there is a weight loss company out there that knows this could happen and is profiting on creating fear in people. Fear that they will be left if they don't lose weight--fear that they're notenough if they don't lose weight. Not enough, not enough, not enough. And it makes me sick.
So this "woman" has lost weight. So now her marriage will survive--well maybe. Has anyone thought about what this has done to her emotional or mental well being? What happens when she gains a few pounds during the holiday season or some other time as hormones change? Will she panic? What measures will she go to to stay thin? Will she ever feel truly beautiful--truly beloved?Will her husband stay when her self esteem and insecurities need to be bolstered constantly? Will he stay when no matter how many compliments she gets from other people, she still believes in her heart they'll figure out she's a fraud--she won't stay that way; she'll still be left? And all those insecurities will come out in "crazy" unpredictable ways--will he stay? I don't know if he will, but mine does.
Full disclosure--I am writing as a recovering anorexic/bulimic who had a boyfriend at one time who asked me continually what my weight was. I still hear my daddy saying to me the summer in high school I lost weight when I told him I occasionally treat myself, "Don't do that." I still hear my mother saying to me when I lost a lot of weight after having children, "Don't spend money on new clothes; you're going to gain it all back." (My husband can attest to the fact that I did spend money but still worry constantly that it has been wasted; and I equate one piece of cake with five pounds.) I am also the mother of four teenagers of various shapes and sizes. If I'm fully honest, I worry about it. I worry about how people will judge them because I have been judged and I have judged. Do I want to be healthy? Do I want my husband and children to be healthy? Absolutely, but do I want them to know I will love them, accept them, no matter what? YES!! I want them to know they are loved because they are worthy of love regardless of what they look like, regardless of a number on a scale. They are worthy of love because they are people created by God and what God creates is GOOD--NO EXCEPTIONS; NO SIZE REQUIREMENTS--JUST GOOD!!! And that ad says just the opposite.
I have a good friend that lost a lot of weight several summers ago. She went from a size 16 to an 8. (Truth be told at one time I believed she got too thin.) Several months into this she said to her husband, "Everyone is commenting on my weight loss and you haven't said anything." This wonderful man said, "I think you look good but honestly I don't think about it much. I loved you before and I love you now. Who you are hasn't changed. It's you I love." Seriously, that's what he said--like that on facebook..
I have another friend who was losing weight and her young son said, "Don't lose too much weight. I like you squishy and round; there's more of you to hold onto and to love." What I know about my friend is her heart is far bigger than her stomach ever was or will be; she's enough--she's more than enough.
Isn't that what it's about--loving and holding and respecting and honoring? We are all created by God, created good--let's surround ourselves with people who affirm that; let's affirm that in each and every person we meet regardless of the number on the scale. Let's see and like an ad on facebook that says, "he/she stayed no matter what."
The final song we danced to at our wedding was "You Look Wonderful Tonight." Chris chose it--I said, "But you don't even know what I'll look like that night." "Yes I do, " he said, "You'll look like my wife."
God looks at each of us and says, "You look wonderful; you are wonderful. I know because you look like, because you are my child."
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