What Song Are You Singing?

Last week I attended a conference in Houston, Texas.  The first night I stood in a reception talking to a woman from California and asking her if she knew my good friend, colleague, and mentor Beth Bojarski.  (I had just blogged about how Beth had touched my life in profound ways. Beth and Janie--God's Voices) She responded, "You should tell her."  "Oh I have," I replied, "In fact I just wrote about her."  "Why don't you tell her in person?" the person pressed.  "Well, because she lives in...." I started and then was gently turned around and GUESS WHO WAS STANDING THERE?!?!?!?!  I think I may have screamed.  We had a moment, and then I got to meet her totally awesome, adorable, six week old son.  (Let's be honest I then stole her totally awesome, adorable six week old son and held him for the rest of the evening which was not totally selfish--she got to play the guitar and lead singing with unencumbered hands--oh wait, maybe that was selfish because I got to listen to her play the guitar and sing!!)

That night I lay in bed thinking about how much I loved holding James, how good it felt to be able to "help" Beth while she was working--how natural it felt, and my mind started spinning.  I thought about how the week before I got to "help" Emily by taking care of Charlotte and how that was so fulfilling and wonderful. I began to think about who I was and who God was calling me to be. I began thinking about what felt good and right and holy (and maybe easy), and I thought, "Maybe this is it--maybe God has always wanted me to be a mother and I just thought God was also calling me into ordained ministry.  Maybe my gifts are to be a mother to my children and to other children and that is enough; it's more than enough."  It made sense to me as I thought, "Being a stay at home mama was when I was always happy."  (Okay it was late and I'd had a glass of wine so I sort of turned myself and my memories into making me become Mary Poppins.)  But I really thought about all this; I prayed about all this, and then the next morning I made two phone calls.

The first was to Chris.  I asked him to hear me out and not to tell me I was silly.  And I told him what I'd been thinking.  I told him that I didn't know what this meant for our future (read paying for 4 tuitions) but that I wasn't certain God really wanted me to stay actively in ordained ministry; I told him I thought God wanted me to use my gifts as a mother, and I wasn't sure what that meant but I needed him to hear it. I told him about holding James and how good and wonderful it felt.  I told him about spending time with Charlotte and how natural it felt--how it made me feel that I had something to offer the world.  I told him how good it felt to know I was good at it.  There was a long period of silence but not of panicked silence and then he responded, "Whatever you want to do I will support you.  You are a really good mother, but I also think you're a really good priest.  We can talk more about it when you're home.  I love you."

The second call was to Emily and I said the same thing to her (minus asking her to worry about our future).  She was also quiet for a moment and then she said, "Katherine, I think because of who you are as a mother it makes you a good priest. I think you bring those gifts into your ordained priesthood.  I love watching you with Charlotte; you treat her, you love her, like she's your very own. You treat and love everyone's children as though they are yours and that translates into your priesthood; it's how you treat everyone. I don't think it's an either/or but I understand what you're saying and we can talk more when you get home."  I hung up feeling validated but also telling myself I was right and she was just saying what she thought she should say as another ordained priest in the church.  (I can spin most anything.)

I entered the chapel at Camp Allen and listened to Bishop Pryor talk to us about what we are called to do as formation leaders in the church.  He outlined three things--we are called to help everyone see that we are all uniquely created in the image of God, uniquely gifted by the Holy Spirit and once people find their gifts we are called to help them use their gifts to follow the way of Jesus.  We are called to empower people to use their gifts in whatever they are called to be and sometimes that means using their gifts in ways that aren't immediately apparent.  Thoughts were racing through my mind as I was trying to apply this to my life and my ministry.  (Truthfully I was desperately trying to make it fit with what I had just told Chris and Emily.)  What I kept hearing in my head was, "Be creative in how you use your gifts; think about your gifts outside of how they naturally fit into the world--how they easily fit into the world, think about how you can use your gifts in all you do."

The following morning I entered the cathedral in Houston a little early so I could have some private prayer time.  I wanted to continue to pray and hear God's voice about what to do next.  (I really wanted God's voice to affirm what I was already convincing myself my next steps should be.)  I looked up and saw a beautiful stained glass window, and tears began to flow down my face as I knew God was speaking to me through this picture; I didn't know what God was saying, but I knew it wasn't affirmation that I should leave the priesthood.  It was affirmation that a woman, a mother, is good and holy.

Over the next few days I was a part of many workshops.  They weren't necessarily meant to be connected but my mind kept taking parts of each and connecting them.  One keynote speaker was Brene Brown (I like to pretend she's my bff); she said a lot--but two things have reverberated in my mind for days, "Who you are matters dramatically more than the curriculum." (wait, did Emily say something like that?) and "To teach with authority you have to embrace vulnerability."  Vicky Garvey (who IS my good friend) talked about how we as the church and leaders in the church are called to model and to help people see the face of God, that love, grace and acceptance is the face the world needs to see more often (again sort of sounded like Emily but I desperately tried to ignore that!)  She finished her talk by quoting Thoreau and saying "people live lives of quiet desperation and go to their graves with their songs still in them." She encouraged us to invite people to sing.  "YES!" I thought, "This is what

SK needs to hear.  She needs to not worry about what the world is telling her and sing her song.  She has so much to give." (We had recently been talking about how she wants to go into the Episcopal Service Corp but some people were telling her that wasn't a smart career move.) So I texted her telling her to sing her song--I'm quite good at telling other people what to do while ignoring that I might also have a song to sing.  (I also might have told her that she didn't have to have all the answers today, that she could just live--hmmm)

The final workshop I attended  was presented by The Rev. John Newton (who I don't know personally and don't try to pretend is my bff, but yesterday we exchanged emails, so that practically makes us friends and who knows, maybe one day we will be bff's!).  He started by repeating Brene Brown's words, "Who you are matters  more than what you teach." and then moving forward to talk about call.  He used Moses as an example--an interesting character for sure--an Israelite raised as Egyptian royalty; a man with a speech impediment who had murdered an Egyptian and then run away.  He pointed out that Moses asked God "Who am I" in response to God's call to lead God's people.  And the powerful part is that God used Moses with all his brokenness, his vulnerability--a man the world would never choose as a leader, but God chose him.  John finished by saying, "As leaders we have to ask who am I and what voice are we going to let rule our life."

I've been thinking about all this messiness for the past week and thinking about what it means for my ministry.  I've been thinking about it for what it means for anyone's ministry.  What I'm beginning to understand is that our gifts can be used in an abundant number of ways, but that we need to know them, to embrace them and then to use them in whatever context we find ourselves.  I'm beginning to understand and believe that if we are using God's gifts uniquely given to us then whatever we are doing and wherever we are doing it, will be good and holy, whatever we are doing is ministry.

This week I used my gifts to help care for Charlotte; we took naps; we made Valentine cookies and heart shaped pancakes, and we played.  My gifts may again find themselves behind an altar celebrating the Eucharist or in the world wearing a collar, but for this week my altar is baking in the kitchen, napping in a bed wearing a turtleneck (my girls are distraught over this) and sweatshirt, living my priesthood as a mother and a friend. For this week this is where God is calling me--me a person uniquely created in God's image, who is uniquely gifted by the Holy Spirit, to use my gifts to engage in God's mission, to be a tangible presence of the Kingdom of God, to sing my song as a part of the ministry of all believers.  I do believe (I think) my gifts will again be used as an ordained person; I do believe (most of the time but I need to remind myself frequently) that who I am as a wife and mother can and does translate into my priesthood--the priesthood God calls me to--the priesthood lived as a part of the ministry of all believers and as a part of the ordained ministry.

Barbara Brown Taylor (who by the way I stalk when I'm in North Georgia driving by her house hoping she will come out to get the mail--just being transparent here) writes in An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith, 

“What is saving my life now is the conviction that there is no spiritual treasure to be found apart from the bodily experiences of human life on earth. My life depends on engaging the most ordinary physical activities with the most exquisite attention I can give them. My life depends on ignoring all touted distinctions between the secular and the sacred, the physical and the spiritual, the body and the soul. What is saving my life now is becoming more fully human, trusting that there is no way to God apart from real life in the real world.” 

Real life, real world, real altars everywhere.  Where is God as you understand God calling you to use your unique gifts today?  Where is God calling you be a presence  of love and grace, and acceptance today?  Where is God calling you to show up so that the world sees in you the face of God, feels through you the presence of God?  What song are you singing?