Waiting for Mother's Day

I woke up this morning and headed downstairs to make coffee.  I could hear the TV still on from the night before which didn't make me happy, but making coffee was my priority, so I turned on the kitchen light and there was the refrigerator WIDE open! I could feel myself winding up--headed into the den and there's Boss asleep on the coach with his dinner dishes still around him.  I may have lost it....

After I got finished fussing at Boss and he retreated to the living room and a quieter couch (because the stupid TV was STILL ON), I went downstairs to start my 10th load of laundry in less than 24 hours.  (Do not remind me that I love doing laundry--I am on a rant and would like to stay on it thank you very much.)

I walked around the corner  to the drying rack to hang SK's "nice shirts" as she directed me to do yesterday as though I haven't been doing laundry for over 20 years--(again do not remind me I like doing laundry) where I see William silently asleep with the clean clothes I asked him to put away STILL ON the floor.  But it was the silently that got me--the dehumidifier was clearly not running--the dehumidifier I had asked him to empty three times yesterday.  I was seething.

I woke him up--maybe with not the nicest tone of voice--"Get up and empty the dehumidifier that I asked you to empty three times yesterday."  Groggily William replied, "I thought I did."  Okay, so now my voice became fairly close to shrill level, "How in the world can you THINK you did?  You either did or you didn't.  Period.  Now get up!"

I stormed back upstairs and started folding laundry determined to ignore everyone--it didn't work, but it wasn't like I was suddenly pleasant either--fill in the blanks anyway you want as to how the rest of the morning went...they finally left and the tears started flowing.  I felt like a totally inadequate mother and overall human being.

Chris came down and I started in about how no one listens to me; they have no respect for anything I say and I'm a complete failure as a mother.  Right as he was going to open his mouth I kept going, "I'm just going to apply for a job out of state somewhere; as long as you find someone to do the laundry y'all will be fine."  Picture my not-a-morning person husband standing with his first cup of coffee in his hand trying to figure out the best way to deal with my tirade--he took too long to decide (yes I think 5 seconds is too long) so I continued.  "You're not even saying anything. You don't care they don't listen."

He'd now had a sip of coffee so he was a little faster on the draw, "I most certainly do care and we will talk to them tonight.  But I think part of the problem is we have to have natural consequences and follow through."  HOW DARE HE BE RATIONAL!?!?!  (and by that I mean perhaps telling rational Boss he was probably going to be grounded and not allowed to take his girlfriend to her senior prom because he left his coffee cup out in my mind was rational).  I was having no rationality--"And now I have to run to school to pick up my car because they took it and my stomach is killing me."  Chris quietly and calmly, "I can take you."  I stormed out of the house my mind completely out of control.

As I started running I thought of what a fake I am--within the first 30 seconds of my run I decided to delete my blog and tell them I didn't want them to come to church with me on Sunday.  I told myself I write this blog and it looks like my children are so great--but they don't listen to me--I'm a fraud, no one should read it--"but," my gentle very small sane part of the brain said, "you don't lie in the blog so it's not fake."  Well they shouldn't come to church with me as though they like me--I continued to argue. I ran faster; even a part of me was trying to be sensible; I just wanted to get away.

My thoughts continued--I can't believe it's Mother's Day weekend and this is how it's starting.  I started thinking about all the other mothers in my life who have loved me and who I should call right this very minute to hear them tell me I'm not a complete failure, but that would have robbed me of the opportunity to wallow...so instead I raged ran on. (But y'all know who you are!) This will probably be the last Mother's Day they will all be here; why would they want to be with me? And they won't ever want to come home when they're adults--I bet they won't even send me a card or if they do it will be out of loyalty.  I bet they will find or probably already have found other women who they think of more as mothers.   I decided I hated Mother's Day--

How they really are

How they are with threats

Maybe what bothers me is that the people all over the world will send and receive sappy cards that extol the virtues of mother's elevating them to almost deity status.  Maybe some people really mean the cards they send--maybe some people really believe they are all those things.  But I suspect there are many of us who search for the right card and can never find it because we're not sure we believe all those things.  And there are many of us who receive cards that speak about how selfless we are and we cringe (for example, maybe running to school to get the car with a stomach ache was more about being a martyr--and getting more steps than Todd Kunze, than it was about being selfless and serving the children), or cards that say we are the best mother ever and all we can do is think about how many ways we have been failed or how many ways we have failed or worse how many ways we still have to fail.

I didn't want it to be Mother's Day weekend and I sure didn't want to think anymore so I turned on my

audible book to drown out my voice.  MISTAKE!!!  Anne Lamott was reading, "You forgive your mother, for having had such terrible self-esteem, dependent on being of value to all men, everywhere, in every way. You forgive her for not having risen up, for not teaching you how to be an autonomous, beautiful woman..."(p. 106)  "AMEN!" I wanted to shout fully recognizing that while I actually haven't gotten to the total forgiveness point I know I want to and at least someone else understands (even if she wasn't specifically talking about Mother's Day), but then I kept listening (I never stop when I'm ahead....) "You mostly forgive life for being so unfair, for having stolen away from and saddled us with so much, for being so excruciating to most of the world. You even semi-sort-of mostly forgive yourself, for being so ridiculous, such a con, a nervous case, a loser."  So I'm working on that too....  (She's older than me she should be ahead!!!)

I went back to thinking about this morning and about Mother's Day--and it dawned on me.  I preach, I write about, I try to live that the Kingdom of God is both here and yet to come.  I believe that we see glimpses of that kingdom through the world around us--through fallible, unforgiven, unforgiving people. I believe we see glimpses of how things are supposed to be, how God wants them to be, and we wait with joyful anticipation for the day when it will be that way always.  And when those glimpses disappear we are left with memories, with longing, with grace and with yes with hope. But we are left waiting... Maybe that's what Mother's Day is about--it's a glimpse into the world we want--a world where our relationships are healthy, life giving and whole.  Maybe instead of seeing it as a trumped up holiday for florists and card shops to make a ton of money we could see it as part of the waiting, we could see it as a chance to glimpse another world or as an example of remembering the both here and yet to come.


Lamott, Anne. Small Victories. New York:  Riverhead Books, 2014.