Sometimes Life is a Pain in the Neck

Last Sunday night was a fitful night of tossing and turning and I woke up Monday morning in pain.  My neck and shoulders hurt like I've never experienced. It was the kind of pain your mind says "run from" but of course that's not possible because it's part of your body (and for me my knee was also choosing this time to give me trouble, which as an aside may be part of the reason I couldn't sleep--my stress relief of choice was not doable at this time--but that's beside the point--look squirrel).

I spent all morning trying to get comfortable. I rolled my neck; I used my hands to massage my neck; I tried sitting up straighter; I tried slouching--the dull ache continued sometimes punctuated by quick stabbing pains.  Nothing was working and pain makes me grumpy....

I pulled myself together (sort of), left my office and began walking towards the fellowship hall where I'd been invited for coffee with MOST (The Men of St. Thomas). As I was walking and still trying to get my neck to stop aching, I tilted my head back--excruciating pain; I tilted my head forward--equally horrible and then I held my head straight and steady, lowered and pulled back my shoulders--instant relief. Now to just remain in this position....

As I continued to walk I thought about this instant relief, and I thought about all the things that had led to the fitful night--things that I cannot resolve in an instance; things I may never be able to resolve; things that keep my life feeling anything but steady. But I can continue to move forward.

That instant if only momentary relief of pain showed me that when we walk around with our heads down avoiding facing life, with our heads down in shame, with our heads down not wanting to engage with the world around us--hiding the pain and vulnerability someone might see in our eyes, there is pain.  And when we walk around with our heads tilted back not looking down at the world around us, trying to keep ourselves above it all, there is pain. But when we continue to steadily move forward, heads and eyes facing forward--facing forward where we can see the faces of those around us, where we can search out the eyes of others who look back with love and compassion and understanding; where we can see the beauty of the world, and yes sometimes (all too often) we see more pain, sometimes we may even see judgement and pity and disdain, but we also can see we are not alone; we can see we are connected; we can see we are part of a bigger world-a world God created; a world God loves; a world where God continues to participate; a world where God wants no more pain and brokenness but rather healing and wholeness. When we move steadily forward eyes looking straight ahead we can move into the future...

I continued to walk with my head held steady; I saw the beauty of the tulips beginning to bloom; I saw the beauty of the dogwoods; and I heard the birds singing. I walked into the fellowship hall and sat with MOST, keeping my head straight, listening to their stories some stories of life's challenges and some stories of life's joys laughing along with them as I saw their smiles and the twinkle in their eyes. And for an hour my neck didn't hurt; for an hour I was a part of something beautiful and holy; for an hour my body practiced holding steady so my heart could follow along.