Giving Thanks for Being Left Out

When the children were younger and fussing I would say, "Y'all need to get along. Friends will come and go; Daddy and I will die and you'll be the only family you have left. Y'all need to like each other." (Future therapists can thank me now...)

Tuesday night Caroline, Christopher, and SK finally arrived. (PSA--when you are driving from Charlottesville to Big Stone Gap, you do not have to go through WV. And although it may be somewhat creepy--again you're welcome therapists--that I can track the children and am obsessive about doing so when they are on their way home or to wherever I am, they probably appreciated it Twhen I discovered they were in Beckley WV....) Anyway, they finally arrived and weren't even grumpy about the extra 1 1/2 hours together in the car--no fussing, no blaming, just lots of laughter....

We all stood around the kitchen talking to and over each other, and then Chris and I went to bed--it was after 11:00! I fell asleep to the sound of our four now almost adult children talking and laughing...my heart was full.

Yesterday, however, was a little bit different....

I walked into the living room where the babies were on the couch. Caroline, "Do you need something?"  Me, "Just wondering what you're doing." William, "We're talking." But then there was silence. I couldn't just let it go..."What are you talking about?" I asked. "Nothing." William responded. I can't remember what Caroline said but it wasn't as diplomatic as William--it also wasn't the lie William just told me because clearly they were talking about something. But, I got the picture; they were talking about something they didn't want me to hear.

They returned to each other as I quietly turned and walked away--that may be a not quite truth too....I might have hrumphed....

Looking out the window I saw the big kids on the deck. I decided to brave the cold to spend some time with them. As I walked outside, the conversation stopped. Me, "What are you talking about?" Christopher, "Just stuff." I stood there; they stayed quiet. Clearly I wasn't going to be included in this conversation either....

This time I did quietly turn and walk away not saying anything because of the lump in my throat and the tears stinging my eyes. I felt so left out, so unimportant...As I went to shower I thought, "I used to be the center of their worlds and now they don't even want me around." (Yes, I can catastrophize and be dramatic--I realize that.)  And then I thought about what I used to say to them...

Is it hard not being included in everything? Yes. Is it hard knowing they share things with each other they don't want me to know? Yes. Is it sad knowing they are growing up and their relationships with each other are forming separate from me? Definitely.

But I'm also trying to remember this is indeed what I wanted; this is good and wonderful, and natural. I'm trying to remember there are siblings that only tolerate one another, siblings that even as adults do nothing but fuss, siblings that are estranged,  and so I'm trying to give thanks for being left out... someday I'll get there.




We did enjoy lunch out together later...

I no longer have to, (read get to), sit between them...