I'm a Mama and a Priest

This morning I got up long before dawn, made coffee, started

laundry and began pre-Thanksgiving baking--that would mean 2 pies, 2 loaves of pumpkin bread and a lemon poppy seed coffee cake. In between I wrote my report for vestry, worked on newsletter articles and our advent study. As I was showering I thought about all the blog posts I could write about being a mama and a priest-about balancing it all. I was wondering if male priest put this much pressure on themselves--you know the pressure to have holidays perfect and do your job well never asking for help. Then I thought, maybe this is just how it is when you go back to work after being a stay at home mama for years and don't want your family to "suffer" with change. For a brief moment I considered the possibility this could be my own neurosis--washed that thought right out of my hair!

I finished showering, got dressed, woke Caroline (I still need to be chauffeured) and headed out for the 8 am service. In case you didn't notice, I was quite proud of my productivity. (And I know, I know pride cometh before the fall....)

As Caroline and I drove through the quiet somewhat deserted streets with the sun just peeking above the horizon and I listened to Caroline talk, I could feel the lump in my throat grow and the tears that have been threatening for a week begin to well just behind my eyes--I willed them away but wasn't really sure I would be able to for long....

Boss leaves Friday. He goes back to Montana and won't be home until the end of April. Which in case you haven't figured it out means he won't be home for Christmas. Please don't say, "This day had to come one day when they wouldn't all be home for Christmas." I know that--and I certainly hope when that day comes because they are with other loved ones I will be better. But this year, this year he's working not with the love of his life and the rest of us will be here, and my heart is breaking.

As we arrived at St. Thomas I gave thanks I wasn't preaching--wasn't even sure how I was going to get through the services...

During the 8 o'clock service I was distracted and hoped it didn't show. While Deacon Dan preached my mind wandered. I thought about how when the children were very small and I heard God's call to the priesthood over and over I kept saying,"Now is not a good time. I love sitting with my family during the service." I remember thinking there was no way I could be a priest and miss out on those squirmy bodies next to mine, and I remembered seeing all four kneeling between Chris and I as we said the Lord's Prayer (granted one time William had Caroline's bow in his hair, but they were quiet, kneeling, hands clasped and praying) and how much love I felt for this incredible family God had blessed me with. I thought about how much I loved being a priest but how glad I was to have also had those years. And if I'm honest, today I wanted to be that mama from all those years ago--the mama whose son wasn't getting on a plane in five days....

The 10 o'clock service came and as I presided my eyes kept going to Chris and the boys. (Caroline was singing in the choir--I was NOT neglecting her whatever she may one day tell her therapist....). Over and over my mind was taunting me, "he won't be back, he won't be back, he won't be back here for months and months...."

Deacon Dan began to preach and this time I was determined to listen to every word. I did, but...as he was finishing his sermon I heard him say something about coming to the table for solace only...he

was challenging us to not only be about serving our own needs but also about serving others and serving Christ the King. But I need solace my soul cried out. At the same time I thought about a conversation yesterday. A dear friend asked me if I really believed God was in control (there will be another blog about that conversation), I reminded myself I told her yes. I wanted to scream, "But God this is my baby--I want to believe you're in control, but this is MY child who will be alone for Christmas, alone and away from me--MY child!!!! Are you sure you're in control because I sure as hell don't feel in control at all." In that moment I knew I needed the table today for solace and I wasn't going to feel guilty about it; I needed to be reminded that God was in control and that while Boss is my child he is first and foremost God's child. I needed to feel God's loving embrace.

As I began the Eucharistic Prayer I was surprised at the strength in my voice. I kept thinking any minute I'm going to choke up, but I didn't. Instead I began to feel strengthened. I said, "Father you loved the world so much that you sent your only Son to be our Saviour" and I knew God did know how I was feeling, God sent his Son, God knew what if felt like to release his son, and not only that but also God loved the world so much--the whole world and my son is part of that world; God loves Boss so much--I continued...

When I got to the part, ""Grant that all who share this bread and this cup may become one body and one spirit..." I thought, "in just a few minutes I will give to Boss the body and blood of Christ and we will be one body. I will administer to him the body and blood that I consecrated. Me his priest mama..." In that instant I knew God's timing was just right. Suddenly I felt both solace and strength.....

I was doing well, actually if I can break my other arm patting myself on my back, really well. And then I looked into the eyes of one of my parishioners--an amazing woman whose son lives states away and who was just diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma. I reached over the altar rail and hugged her, knowing but not knowing what she must be feeling--the distance, the helplessness, the fear.....

And then Boss was next...seriously God?!?!?! I looked into his eyes briefly and released him to God. (I'm fairly certain that release was temporary--I'm kind of stubborn that way), but for that moment I was so grateful I was the priest giving him communion on his last Sunday in Louisville. I was the one, his mama and his priest,  passing onto him the body of Christ that would dwell in him...

As the service ended, I began the blessing:

May the peace of Christ go with you wherever he may send you
May he guide you through the wilderness, protect you through the storm.
May he bring you home  (at this point the choking began) rejoicing at the wonders he has shown you,
And may the blessing of God Almighty, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit be upon you, those you love and all those you encounter, this day and forevermore."

I left the altar the tears stinging. I was so grateful Dan was there to give the dismissal so I could have a moment to collect myself before I engaged with others. Before I engaged with others with their hidden hurts, their hidden fears, with others all given solace and strength at the Lord's Table.

Tonight I give thanks for God's timing and for being a Mama Priest