Lessons from Being Out of Shape

Sometimes I practice what I preach--sometimes I don't.

This morning I decided to go for a run--which you are more than welcome to interpret as I needed to cry because SK just left, Boss wasn't home, and William leaves tomorrow--you might even be right. Except I didn't cry (much); I ran and thoughts and feelings came bursting to the surface pulsing through my muscles and maybe just a little bit coming out of my eyes.

I was thinking about how incredibly proud I am of all four children. They have each set goals and worked hard to attain them. I thought about how as they get older I can no longer "fix" things for them, I can only continue to love them and let them live. I was thinking about how they each have faced difficult situations and have dug down deep and proven to themselves and to the world who they truly are. And let's be honest, the challenges continue as they each move forward with transitions....

I started thinking about all the "advice" I give them (some even requested). I tell them nothing worth having/doing necessarily comes easy. There are times you feel like your spinning in circles but you really are moving forward--keep doing the next right thing. I tell them remember who they are and be true to that person. I tell them there is nothing they can do that will ever change my love for them. I tell them to always hold their heads up high, own their mistakes but don't let them define them. I tell them not to make excuses, just do it, own it, be it. I tell them to set their goals and then don't let anything get in their way.

And all the while I was thinking I was running and beating myself up about how out of shape I am, how slow I am, and how much it's going to hurt tomorrow. And then light bulb...

Over the past year (particularly the last 9 months) I have used every excuse in the book to not exercise. I have said "I deserve to sleep in" "I've been dealing with a lot and deserve a break." "It's too cold." "I don't have good shoes" "I'm too busy doing other things that are more important--you know work stuff." "I'm embarrassed about how slow I am now." Now these are all good excuses--and actually you could say they're not excuses just reasons except for the fact I want to be in shape. I see other people running and my heart hurts remembering how freeing running used to be for me. I want it, but I haven't put in the hard work...I want it to be easy and pain free....

And you know what the deep down truth is--when I run I think and I feel, and I haven't wanted to do that. I haven't wanted to feel the pain--not the physical pain not the emotional and spiritual pain. I've wanted to disconnect....

I realized I have to practice what I preach--I have to listen to the advice I give my children about life. It is hard; it takes time; it must be a priority. Some people won't understand, do it anyway. Some people will criticize, do it anyway. You will walk through emotional pain, it will be worth it. You might be embarrassed, who cares? Some people won't understand, remember it's not their life it's yours.

Right now there are many people I deeply love struggling with big issues--walking through tremendous pain and doing it every day, one step at a time. I commit to returning to my running routine, not just because I want to be in shape but because I want to be connected and as I run I connect through prayer and meditation.

I might even cry...