He's Not a Dog--He's My Husband

Years ago I had a realization....

Sometimes when I'd go out for "girls night" I'd hear other women talking about how things their husbands did drove them crazy--things that didn't seem to bother me. But listening to them I'd find myself getting all heated up too. After one of these nights I came home and said to Chris, "I'm not sure it's good for me to go out--I don't want to get mad at you about stuff just because it seems like what I'm supposed to do. I don't get mad about some of the stuff others do; I think I'm weird." (Choose whichever part of that you want to be the realization....)

What were these things? Things like leaving dirty clothes on the floor, not hanging up towels the way I like them hung, leaving a coffee cup in the sink instead of the dishwasher, not putting the throw pillows on the bed the right way, just to name a few. Why, you are asking, do you and did you not care? It's very simple--Sally.

I worked with Sally the year I was engaged. She was in her 50's and her husband was killed in a car accident. One time she said to me, "I wish I had one more day to pick up his dirty socks and not fuss at him about it; just one more day. I wish I still had his dirty socks." I have never forgotten those words and they have guided me (most of the time--sometimes I have indeed become the shrieking fish monger's wife) throughout my married life. So many times as I'm about to fuss I hear Sally.

I, in fact, began over the years to resent people telling me I should be irritated. Often it wasn't necessarily what was said but rather the verbage. I remember one incident when my mother asked me, "Why do you allow Chris to put a glass down without a coaster?" Now the truth is I would have preferred a coaster, but those words got under my skin like fiberglass gets in your hiney when you sit on insulation. (Don't ask...) "Allow?" I retorted, I'm not sure if I said it, but I know I thought it and still do--"it's his home too, and for the record he makes the money that pays not only the mortgage but for whatever is in the glass he sets down without a coaster. He can set the glass he paid for down on the furniture he paid for in the house he pays for wherever he wants."

At that time and for many years I stayed home with the children. Chris worked very hard and very long hours to make sure I had this choice. Now let's be clear--I didn't see it as "his" money--he can certainly attest to the fact I had no problem spending it, but for me it was a matter of respect and of creating a home that may not be worthy of Southern Living, but a home that was comfortable and full of love--Sally again.

I was reminded of this a couple of weeks ago. A friend was dropping something off. As we stood in the foyer you could see inside the 1/2 bath (the door was open which drives me nuts but you know that whole dirty sock thing...), the toilet seat was up and she said, "You haven't trained him very well." I felt my hackles rise and the same words came out of my mouth--"It's his house too."

The other night we stood in the kitchen talking about finances, taxes, and tuitions (my LEAST favorite conversations), and as we were talking I was filled with peace, comfort and an overwhelming surge of love for this man standing in front of me. We have built a life together--a life that is full. A life that has experienced ups and downs, pain and grief, joy and happiness, but a life we have lived together by each other's side--a life that is supportive and loving. "You know," I said, "We've always figured out a way. It's not always been easy, but we make it work. I truly believe we are going to be okay." I am sure he was thinking, "You just don't get it." because the truth is it doesn't seem like I do. He has always worried more about our finances--he has always shouldered that burden. He hasn't trained me. Instead he just looked at me, smiled and said, "I hope you're right."

As I sit in front of the fire (which is SOOOOO wrong by the way--it's April 16th) this morning on his 50th birthday, I am so grateful for this life we have together. I suspect in the years to come he'll continue to leave the toilet seat up, and I'll continue to let him worry about money.

We're not really good at that training stuff, but we're really good at us.


if you doubt our lack of ability to train--come visit and meet our dogs...just sayin'