You Don't Conquer Life; You Live It

Saturday I set out to run Hickory Grove Rd--suffice it to say I did not make it to the top without stopping...

I was, in fact, pretty frustrated about it. I was actually frustrated with myself. I knew before I started I wouldn't make it to the top--I am more out of shape than I've been in years. My exercise is spotty at best which is wreaking havoc with my body but more concerning with my body image, but clearly not enough to do anything about it. I stopped and walked three times on the way up.

As I reached the top I thought back to my post almost four years ago about the first time I made it all the way to the top and back (I Conquered Hickory Grove Road!). As I thought about it I wondered how many times I have completed the run since then--I can only remember once.

Now I was even more frustrated and frankly embarrassed. I'd made such a big deal out of that post and how I'd overcome all these "obstacles" and compared it to living life. How many people had read it? (119--I have since looked) How many people thought I had accomplished something "momentous" (at least to me) and I've only been able to replicate it ONCE!

When I got back to my cabin I reread that dumb damn blog and the ending line immediately jumped out at me but instead of reading, "I made it to the top and back--and I'll do it again." I read in a flashing neon sign--LOSER, HYPOCRITE.

I took a deep breath, not too deep I'd just finished running--made it all the way back down) and thought back to the summer of 2014. I remembered how I thought it would be my last time there for awhile. I remembered how I thought we'd gone through so much---little did I know....

It wasn't my last time there--in fact I'm there quite frequently now, and part of that reason is because my children wanted to me to continue to be there with them. It has become a place for us to be together and bond with few distractions (and a few eye rolls every now and then). I've witnessed them growing into amazing young adults and leaders in the community. I started feeling a little better...

It didn't last. "How can you feel better?" I asked myself, "You've been coming every summer, fall and spring for four more years and you can only remember ONE other time making it?" Well the truth is, I can't remember that many times even trying....

What I can remember is waking early and choosing to stay in bed and read or waking early and going up to the dining hall for coffee--sometimes I'd run into other people and we'd sit and talk. I can remember waking early and walking down to the river where I sat and watched the sun come up. I can remember waking early, sitting on the front porch of Kohler cabin and watching the camp come alive. 

"The other truth" I thought to myself, "is since that dumb damn post which isn't seeming quite as horrible, a lot has happened. A lot that has been far from easy." I left a job and a parish I loved; Chris was downsized; we faced family addiction, recovery, addiction, recovery, addiction and now recovery; three of the four children left home and one is on the brink; there has been illness, concussions (LOTS), orthopedic problems, and friendships lost. There has also been friendships gained, a call to a parish, as rector no less, a call to youth ministry, a job for Chris 80 miles away, and great love and respect found in the family. 

I'm still frustrated I'm out of shape; I'd still like to be able to run Hickory Grove Road multiple times this summer without stopping. But, I also realize those mornings when I chose not to run, it wasn't because I was lazy. It was because of what my body, heart and soul needed--quiet and peace, friendships and conversations, reflection and respite. 

I reread the blog and this time what I saw were these words, "As I finished my run I thought how much Hickory Grove Road is like life.  There are steep uphills--there are challenges that seem insurmountable, and often you can't see what's around the bend.  You don't know if it's almost over, when the up ends and you get a short break."  I gave thanks that on that day almost four years ago I had no idea what challenges I would face. I gave thanks All Saints was a part of those four years, a place that harbored both me and my children from the storms of life. And I thought again that Hickory Grove Road is indeed like life--but it's not to be conquered. It's to be lived.

Over and over and over and over....