I've Never Forgotten

Just like so many others--male and female--this circus that is unfolding around the supreme court nomination has brought up a lot of memories for me. I have spent the last week listening to others' stories; I have listened to people tell me about the trauma they have experienced, and I have listened to (to be honest mostly males) people as they search through their memories wondering if they ever did anything to someone. 

I didn't go to Yale; I wasn't in the now infamous dorm room; I don't know any of the people involved; but I do know that story could have happened in many dorm room parties I did attend. The truly sad part is had it happened, while I would have been groused out, I would not have thought that much about it nor would I have reported it. I hope women and men attending dorm room parties today would; I'm afraid they wouldn't.

But that's not my story. This is...

My second year of college I had just pledged a sorority and we had a spring formal coming up. My on again off again high school/college boyfriend and I were off again. I wanted a fun date--someone who could dance well, someone who I didn't have to worry about whether we had anything in common, someone who would be easy to talk to and wouldn't be clingy. So I asked a friend from high school who went to another school.

We had never dated. We went to school and church together. Our parents knew each other. We had many mutual friends. I was very much looking forward to the weekend.

The weekend didn't start great. His car broke down an hour from C'ville. Actually it wasn't a big deal; I just drove over and got him. He had another friend in that town who would make sure the car would be fixed.

We went to the formal and it was fun-- a lot of fun. And then it wasn't....

We went back to my apartment; we had been drinking; we began to kiss and then he became persistent. I told him no. He continued to push. I told him no again. He responded, "You know you want to." I told him I didn't. He continued his persistence until I began to cry. Then he angrily said, "I just never knew you were a tease like this. It's pretty unfair." Those were the last words I remember him saying...those are the only words I remember from the weekend.

The next day I silently drove him back to his car; I cried the entire drive back to UVA. I wasn't angry. I was ashamed. I'm still ashamed. I still wonder if I was at fault.

I didn't tell my parents. If I had I would have had to tell them I'd been drinking and that he stayed in my apartment--the latter being something that would have appalled them. I had enough shame; I didn't need more.  I didn't tell my big sister who also was at the formal and to whom I tell everything.  I didn't tell my friends even when they went on and on about how much fun he was and asked repeatedly over the next years if he would come back. I didn't tell my husband until two nights ago.

I continued to attend parties when I was home that he also attended. I didn't speak to him. He didn't speak to me.  I only told one person one night because this friend asked me to drive the formal date home. I told him no and began to cry. He asked me what happened and he believed me. It was a relief to tell someone but I swore him to secrecy. I didn't want anyone to know both because of my shame and because I didn't want to hurt him.

I know my story is not at all as horrible as others, but it is my story and although not in dramatic ways it has impacted my life.

I still hear those words he spat at me and wonder if I was unfair even all these years later and even though I believe everyone has the right to say no at any time no matter what. I still hear those words when my daughters have said to me, "I'm going to take ______ to the dance because he's just a friend, and I want to just have fun." I've never told them my story, but inside when they said these words I wanted to scream, "No one is ever just a friend. Please be careful." I probably should have said those words out loud. I would also like to state both daughters indeed have taken friends who were, as far as I know, completely respectful. But that's the thing, I don't know. I didn't tell my parents...

My formal date and I have both moved on successfully with our lives. I don't know that he ever said those words to anyone else. I hope not. But he said them to me, and even though I've never told, I've never forgotten.