One year ago today I processed down the aisle of Washington National Cathedral. My dear friend Jenifer Gamber was ordained that day to the sacred order of the priesthood. It was a great day for the Church. Right before I left Jenifer blessed me--little did I know how much I was about to need that blessing.
My friend who's family, Pattie, drove me to the airport. I was full of joy and eager to get home as summer camp was starting the next day. I was looking forward to a relaxing, uplifting summer. Instead, I walked into our home and into what I can only describe as the beginning of a descent into hell, a journey that would last for months.
Over the next 5 weeks, 3 young adults would end their own lives. Two more followed in August. Our family plunged into the dark world of drugs. I buried my cousin; he was younger than me. What felt like rapid succession brought the deaths of some of the most important people in my formation as a person and as a priest. I had a cancer scare. I couldn't wait for 2019 to be over. Over and over I said, 2020 has to be better. Is it?
God does not have a reason for this if by that you mean God makes things happen or even use the word "allows" things to happen to teach us a lesson.
I can promise you this...
God did not allow me to lie in bed night after night wondering if my son would die that night either because of an overdose or in a drug deal gone wrong to teach me a lesson.
God did not allow Maddie to die so I could watch Maddie's family and the youth of All Saints I love dearly struggle with understanding and through that, I would learn something.
God was not trying to teach me something as I purchased book after book about grief to send to mothers who buried their children.
God was not trying to teach me something as I watched my aunt and uncle say goodbye to their son, or as I stood and watched my husband and my sons carry their cousin to his grave silently giving thanks it wasn't one of them.
God was not trying to teach me something as I struggled to find the words to describe a woman who was the mother I needed and loved deeply. I miss her every day.
God was not trying to teach me something as I waited for test results, and my results weren't negative because I prayed harder than others or because I'm such a good Christian. God doesn't use cancer to teach people lessons.
And God is not using Covid-19 or systemic racism to teach us, please for the love of God stop saying that.
So what about that silver lining? I believe that the silver lining is the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom of God was evident the first day I met Lisa and she said, "I've got your boy. He's a good one." The Kingdom of God was evident with every text, card, and call I have received over the months as people reached out and prayed for me. The Kingdom of God was evident when friends loved our family through the days of waiting. The Kingdom of God was evident last night when I gathered with high school classmates to talk about systemic racism and what we needed to learn and what we could do. The Kingdom of God indeed has come near and will continue to come near. That silver lining--it's a thin thread right now and God is calling us into creative participation as we seek to thicken the lining. God is calling us to live lives of compassion, to live lives seeking justice, to live lives standing with the marginalized and oppressed, and to live lives of love and mercy and forgiveness.
God does not break our hearts to teach us or punish us, but our broken hearts can and do release the power of love into this broken world. And that's the silver lining.
3 comments:
Amen.
Actually, since my God is powerful enough to stop pain and suffering if He wanted to, I am left with trying to figure out why He does not. And while it is a mark of hubris for me to even try to understand the mind of God, I can see where "to teach us a lesson" is about as good an answer as any.
I love this post. It speaks to exactly what I feel in a world that can seem so dark at times. Sometimes, christians feel more "spiritual" if they say things like, "God is teaching us by letting these things happen." We quickly forget that there is a spiritual battle around us..one of light and life and one of darkness and death. This world is NOT our home and it has been tainted with sin and death from the beginning. BUT praise God! He is with us and he will carry us. He has defeated all the darkness and the kingdom of God is his people who carry the torch of light in the darkness bringing our hurting friends and family with us as we navigate this world. Thank you for being open and sharing. That too is shining light into
peoples lives including mine! I love you and your family!
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