If You Have to Ask the Question, "Was it me?" the Answer is Probably "yes"

Just about every time I write about our family’s journey with addiction I get a few calls, texts, or emails. I’m pretty sure I have never used anyone’s name specifically so usually,

the question is some version of this. "I hope I'm not the one/ones who hurt you, left you, judged you." or "Am I one of the ones who gave you unconditional support?" Okay, that's a lie--I've never gotten the second question, but I often get the first.

Today I have the courage given to me by one of the bravest people I know to answer that question in two parts. First, I've got to tilt my head the way she does, lower my voice, and virtually pat your hand as I say, "How do you expect me to answer that?" And secondly, "the most honest answer is, if you're asking the question you probably are." 

This is not the time for a mic drop....

This week I learned something else from another brave friend, or rather I would like to say her courage and then grace hit me upside the head like I am a beaten redheaded stepchild. This is quite frankly not true, because in the long-used phrase "beaten like a redheaded stepchild" the redheaded stepchild is a child treated worse than others, and actually this person treated me not worse than others but rather with grace--but I digress. The point is, her grace and bravery sloshed together with the wisdom of my other friend from above is letting me say this.

Yes, if you're asking you probably were/are one of those people, BUT, it's okay. Truly it is.

Is your head spinning around like the song, you spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round right round? I am dead serious though, if you are one of those people, it's genuinely okay, and here's why.

Our family was going through something and literally building the ship while we were sailing it. It was chaotic and scary for us. I'm sure watching it wasn't pleasant either. What I realize now is there could be lots of reasons you "disappeared" or "semi-disappeared."

• The dark world of addiction is intense, maybe you just didn't have the bandwidth to go there with me because you were protecting yourself and your family and not using up your bandwidth on ours. I respect that.
• Maybe it hit too close to home for you. I understand.
• Maybe you didn't know what to say or do and then the longer you remained silent, the harder it was. I totally get that.
• Maybe you thought bringing it up would make it harder for me. The truth is some days it probably would have.
• Maybe I shut you out first. A very real possibility.
• Maybe I acted like I didn't need or want help. See above
• Maybe you thought our home, our "lifestyle", or what was currently happening was unsafe emotionally, physically, or mentally, to the point you had to back away. I always support people protecting themselves and those they love.
• Maybe our friendship was built on something else--being at our children's games, volunteer activities, or anything else, and when that no longer became my focus, through no fault of either of us we drifted apart. That doesn't mean our friendship wasn't real or genuine. It's just the commonalities that held us together no longer exist, but there were some fun days. Thank you for the memories.
• Maybe our friendship had just reached the end of its time. That happens. Thank you for the friendship we had. I am grateful you shared yourself with me.

And here are some other possibilities

• Maybe you did want to distance yourself for fear you or your child would be implicated.
• Maybe you did judge the decisions we made.

Those are okay too. Here's the gosh honest to God unvarnished truth--I've done the same thing in other circumstances.

Here's something else that's okay. Our family's journey for better or worse moved us down a path we never expected nor ever wanted to walk. That walked changed our lives, changed our priorities, changed our relationships. If we're no longer "friends" or no longer friends in the way we once were, and you are trying to fix it. Stop, and give yourself a break. We can't go back. Know there are very few, actually, there are zero friendships, I have had in my life that I fully regret. In every one, I have learned and grown and loved and been loved. I take a part of each of them with me. If our friendship is continuing, you already know I'm different than I was 5 years ago. Call it trauma, call it therapy, call it growth.

So, yeah, if you are asking the question "was I one of them" the answer is probably yes. But, you don't need to apologize or defend yourself or fix it. We all do the best we can. Grace and peace to us all.

PS--in the interest of complete transparency, if you are someone who gossiped about us and spread false information--well I'm still working on that grace and forgiveness, but I know God already has it covered, so grace and peace to you too.