Who Cares if You're in a Sorority?

It sort of feels weird writing a second post in one day--kind of like breaking the rule of one instagram picture a day--or at least that's the rule my children tell me I should follow.  But like Glennon Melton of Momastery (Momastery) has said (and I paraphrase), when you are a writer (or in my case a wannabe writer) you have to write when the inspiration hits you--it's like having to pee and you dance and dance and can't get your mind of it until you just go.  And since my children think I am probably the world's worst dancer, I'm double posting.

Actually, this post rolled around in my head for days, but I put on depends and didn't write it because, well the truth is, because it happened right after SK had dropped out of sorority rush and I didn't want to be perceived as the bitter sorority mama (perhaps another topic for my therapist--my fear of being misunderstood...).  But after writing my post from this morning (I Go to UVA--So What?), there aren't enough depends in the world to keep me from writing.

I was in Texas for my favorite conference of the year (shout out to FORMA!!!) with some of my favorite people in the world.  I was having a great time until...the morning of January 29, I woke up and was on my 29th push up (I have this weird thing about remembering numbers) when I heard a report on the Today show.  Sorority women at the University of Virginia were being told not to attend fraternity bid day parties due to the recent allegations of widespread sexual misconduct which had been reported.  I began to shake and not because of the pushups.  "So," I thought to myself, "UVA only cares about keeping sorority women safe?  Are women who are not in sororities so hideous that certainly no fraternity boy would take an interest in them?"  I didn't say I was thinking rationally--my Mama Bear claws were out in force.  The truth is UVA was not the one who made this ban, a fact I learned later.  In fact, the sorority girls backed by the student council were fighting back against their nationals--it's an interesting argument and one worth reading about power dynamics (Sorority Women Speak Out).  I really hoped SK hadn't seen this report; who was I kidding?

Within an hour my phone was ringing.  "Mama, you are not going to believe what's going on."  I tentatively asked, "This weekends activities?"  "Yes," she replied clearly furious, "The sorority girls aren't allowed to go to the fraternity parties because they might get raped.  Guess no one cares if a non-sorority girl gets raped.  I mean seriously sorority girls have a ton of sisters to look out for them; who do I have to look out for me?"  (This was before she realized how true her friends are whether they are in a sorority or not--hat tip ladies, you know who you are.)  "I know," I responded trying to exhibit the sensitive, listening, mother with a good response instead of the shaking, furious, riled up head spinning baboon mother.  "It gets worse," she continued, "They've also had a safety training for all the sorority pledges but no one has thought about the other first year women, or any year for that matter, who aren't pledges.  Guess we don't have to be safe."  "That's awful" I thought I was sympathizing but really I think I shrieked it indicating the injustice and elitism that I perceived was going on.  I know I shrieked it because I heard an echo of outrage--of course I was in the stairwell walking down 15 flights of stairs which may account for the echo.  (I have to get my steps in, and I have a fear of being stuck in an elevator alone; I wouldn't mind being stuck with someone else, then it would be a party--therapist issue?)   I said, "I think I'm going to have to blog about this."  SK, "I'm sure you are--go for it."  (How did I rear a daughter that could careless what other people think and yet it sometimes paralyzes me?)

Later that afternoon SK called me again, "Amy (her roommate) is also furious about the fact sorority girls were given the training and others weren't.  She's going to address it."  GO AMY!!!!  "I am so glad," I said, "See this is not about all sorority girls or them thinking they are better than you.  Some sorority girls, probably a lot, also see the injustice and elitism in this."  Now I was just throwing it out there.  It did come across as elitist and exclusive, and I suspect SK was not the only woman at UVA who first heard the report and was either hurt or angry--perhaps both.  SK was probably not the only woman who thought people were not striving for the justice and peace among all people and respecting the dignity of all human beings.  (Well she may have been one of the few who thought about it in those Episcopal terms--BCP p. 304-305)  Whatever terms anyone thought about it, the pain of being considered less than cuts to the core.

Amy thought about it.  (She's Jewish--see this is about everyone not one particular faith.)  And Amy not only thought about it but recognized what so many people of privilege or perceived privilege don't, and that is people from the "inside" have to stand up for those on the "outside."  They have to speak out about the preferential treatment they receive and deem it wrong.  People on the "inside" have to recognize their privilege and knock down those walls of exclusion.  UVA students did that supporting Martese Johnson and Amy (and probably others) did it supporting the right to safety for all UVA women.  I am encouraged by so many in this next generation; they seem to get it.  I'm learning from them everyday; they are helping to lift the blinders I have--blinders I wish I hadn't learned to place on.

Both these posts today come from events I wish had never occurred.  But if we don't learn from the events in our world, if we don't recognize things for what they really are than transformation can never occur.  We have to recognize and name it, and then move forward.  We have to stop being afraid of being misunderstood and start being afraid of misunderstanding.  Thank you UVA; you offer many opportunities for alumni to continue lifelong learning; I'm continually learning from your students.

"I Go to UVA"--so what?

I have been refusing to write this post for several days.  But yesterday was the commemoration of Saint Oscar Romero and the Martyrs of El Salvador.  In Holy Men, Holy Women I read, "he preached a sermon calling on soldiers to disobey orders that violated human rights." (p. 286).  It was like a sign--so here goes...this isn't a sermon, but it's the thoughts swirling in my head, the thoughts I'm trying to make make sense.

It had already been a long day and not the best week of my life when I opened a text from SK, "Did you hear about the kid who got arrested here last night?"  I held my breath as I texted back, "No--what"  I really didn't want there to be another horrific story about the alleged behavior of a UVA student; I really didn't want SK to have to deal with another fear about going to UVA, about telling people she went to UVA--little did I know this was much worse... She sent me a link to the article (please be advised, this is graphic) Cavalier Daily--Martese Johnson.  Not wanting to jump to conclusions, I watched and rewatched the video.  I was sick to my stomach--I didn't know how to respond.  And if I'm totally honest I kind of wanted there to have been some sort of altercation before someone started shooting the video--but deep in my heart I knew there probably wasn't.  And all evidence seems to say there wasn't Student Not Belligerent.  But I get ahead of myself...

SK told me that she was going to the protest in Clarke Library that night.  I asked her to keep me updated.  I kept getting texts--it's gotten to big we're moving to X, and then the next, it's still too big we're moving to X.  Ultimately the community gathered in the amphitheatre and I didn't hear from her again until the next morning.  She told me it was emotional and amazing and that she then marched to the corner and beyond.  I was very proud of her and her friends.  (She has amazing friends--I love you Cammy, Fiona, Hannah, and Kathleen and am so happy you are part of the Doyle family!  You may not be ;)) But what I was really proud of was how she thought through not only the specific event but the messages we inadvertently send to others when we don't remember our places of privilege. How she thought through how previous behaviors may have played a role in this tragedy. I'll let her texts speak for themselves.

As I read her text and then rewatched for the upteenth time the video, I saw Martese Johnson himself try to use privilege.  "I go to UVA" he shouted over and over.  Please hear me loud and clear, I IN NO WAY THINK MARTESE SHOUTING THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE.  (was that loud enough?) If I had been lying on the ground being beaten I would have used any and all connections I thought might help me too.  But I do think we have to recognize that he thought it would help him---it didn't. The anger in me is that he even had to try to use that; no person UVA student or a homeless person should be treated in any way other than with dignity and respect.  I wish the answer to the statement, "I go to UVA" was so what?  Regardless of where you go to school or don't go to school, you as a child of God deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.  Is force sometimes necessary to protect society--probably, but not in this case.  I believe even in those cases dignity and respect needs to be shown.  If I am to live the faith I profess, then I must act in this way.  The Baptismal Covenant in the BCP says,

"Will you seek and serve Christ in all persons, loving your neighbor as yourself?" and "Will you strive for justice and peace among all people, and respect the dignity of every human being?" (BCP 304-305)

Each and every time I respond, "I will with God's help." I reaffirm my belief and I believe my statement of belief means absolutely nothing without practice.  SK modeled for me what it means to live that belief each time she gathered in support of Martese Johnson.  Practicing this means considering all the things we do; all the places of privilege we each have AND how we elevate others.

Last week Caroline and 9 classmates got to wear special occasion dress, miss school and go down to see and hear Prince Charles and Dutchess Camilla.  I admit it; I got caught up in the excitement. When she texted me she got to shake Camilla's hand and talk to her, I promptly facebooked it where I got 66 likes and 8 comments.  It was exciting, but I just wonder what it would say if 10 Collegiate students were chosen to wear special occasion dress, miss school and go down and shake the hands of the homeless?  What would it say if 10 Collegiate students went down and spent the day talking to and LISTENING to the homeless? And then what if all the parents posted that all over facebook and instagram?  I wonder how many likes and comments that would get?  I just wonder what it would say...I for one think it would say a lot.