The Monster Under the Bed--My Planner

Before I became one of them--them, the empty nesters, I heard a lot of "what to expect" statements. I will say, people give you the "good news" without the counter bad news, but hey, when you're talking a soon to be empty nest mama off the ledge, you go with what you got.

"Your grocery bill will go down significantly" But your housing and allowance for the new college students, far exceeds that....

"You won't have to pick up shoes, books, dirty clothes (fill in the blank)" But now you can see all the dust because it's not covered by the above....

"You can have whatever you want for dinner and at whatever time you want." But you do have to learn how to cook for two--still working on that...oh, and significant other now wants to help which adds a whole other level...yes, I'm also a control freak, might as well admit everything today.

"You won't have to sit in the cold night after night at sporting events or on uncomfortable bleachers in either too hot or too cold gyms." But for us it just means we have to drive 7 hours each way to sit in the cold or on uncomfortable bleachers. Not as often as before, but we still do....and we don't get to know their friends in the same way, and we might think unpleasant things about the parents who live close enough to be at everything....

"You won't have to stay up late waiting for them to come home." But you will wake up several times through the night for other reasons, because now you are OLD!

I heard these and other statements, and I'll say it, empty nest isn't all bad. In fact, there are times we rather enjoy it. And it did help to have friends who walked this road before us to help us prepare. But no one prepared me for this....

HAVING TO FIND A NEW PLANNER!!!

I'm not kidding--this is where the tears have really fallen over the past 2 weeks....I'm just going to admit it right here. I am a planner, office supply, colored pen junkie. I LOVE searching for and finding just the right one. We could probably send another child to college with all the money I've spent over the years in my search.

And I found some really good ones that were perfect for the time. The MomAgenda, Erin Condren, Happy planner, wall calendars from Shutterfly, daytimers, and several others. They all had their place, and they worked for our busy, color coded, chaotic life.

  

In October someone stole my briefcase and in it was my planner. I'm going to be honest here, I don't remember which one that was only that it had my WHOLE life in it, and it was working. I also learned it is very hard to find a planner in October you can use immediately. So I went to a friend who is also a neurotic color coding, paper planner and asked what she was using. She gave me all the details, the exact specs of what she was using, and I bought one just like hers! (well not the cover). I used it, or tried to use it for a couple months. Here's the deal, my wonderful friend still has two children at home--two young children whose schedules she has to manage (and drive them to). I tried and tried to fill this planner up and make it work, instead it just made me sad. And as crazy as it sounds, I have spent time actually crying as I look at and try to use this planner.

So last Saturday I spent 4 1/2 hours going down the rabbit hole of youtube videos on "the best planners" and how to organize them. I kid you not, I took notes, made charts, and diligently considered all the options. And if you think that makes me seem a little cuckoo, google it yourself and check out the HUNDREDS of people who make these videos and websites. I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE!!!

After much searching, I have found what I think will work this year (I do have to return 2 I bought just to compare.....). I'm even going to try to use fun stickers, something I've always wanted to do, and in theory seemed like a great idea, but 4 children, a job and a husband didn't leave a lot of time for me to sit around and be creative! But that's not the important thing I  learned. I learned more about grief--a classroom I'd like to leave and never come back to. Grief that comes in many forms, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, the loss of what was, the loss.... I thought I understood it, but I realize none of us ever completely understands it.

Grief is the monster under your bed from your childhood. You "know" it's lurking there, but you don't see it. Some nights you head up to bed, have your bedtime story, say your prayers and settle in for a night of peaceful sleep. But sometimes you head up to bed, have your bedtime story, say your prayers, and out of nowhere it springs. The small nightlight you've begged for casts larger than life shadows you are sure are the fangs or claws of your monster. You can "hear" it breathing and "feel" it squirming. Grief is the under the bed monster with an insidious hold on people. You can't control it, or predict it, instead you have to endure the nights when it comes and give thanks for the ones when it doesn't. And you don't know from day to day which it will be or what may unleash its fury, for me this fall, it was a dang blasted planner that didn't work.

The other thing I know about the monster under the bed, over time it loses its power. As a child I was terrified of going upstairs or downstairs by myself, and lying in bed was often complete terror for me. (It didn't help my lovely little brother whom I adore, took great pleasure in jumping out from behind doors....) I now go months, maybe even a year, without thinking once about what is "under the bed" or what danger may lurk, but sometimes, especially when I'm alone in the house, it suddenly hits me and I am again shaking, possibly crying, and scared.

I know there are many people right now full of grief that seems to be overpowering them--many people I know and love, and many I do not. This season of holiday joy and the planning for the New Year, for many is a monster under the bed. I pray you know and can feel that you are not alone. You are loved.

And I pray there is someone who will sit with you and hold you on that bed until the monster is deeply slumbering and temporarily forgotten.

In the meantime, I am praying for and with you. It seems dark and scary right now, because it is, but I know this to be true. The light shines, even the smallest of lights, but it shines in the darkness and the darkness has not and will not overcome it. (paraphrased John 1:5).

I see you.

A Sermon for Maddie

I think I can safely say and be 100% accurate that not one of us planned on being here this Monday

morning. I think it's probably also very accurate no one wants to be here. I don't think Maddie wanted us to have to be here. And yet here we are surrounding her family with our love and prayers as they begin the journey of the unimaginable. We don't want to be here, they don't want to be here. The journey has begun; the journey that we all can only travel because the power of God working within us can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine.

Our liturgy today is an Easter liturgy. It is the liturgy of the resurrection remembering and celebrating that God came, lived and died for us so that we would have eternal life. God has conquered death and we know Maddie now rests in the loving arms of God. Maddie is finally at peace. But we also hurt. Our hearts are troubled even though as the Gospel tells us there is a place for us all, a place where Maddie now is, a place with many rooms, which let's be honest is a good thing because Maddie would rather move to another room than clean up the one she's in.

Our hearts are troubled because while we know Maddie is at peace and in God's loving arms we want her here with us. Our arms ache to hold her. God knows that. God understands that. God weeps and grieves with us while at the same time he lovingly holds Maddie.

God loves us completely, fully, unconditionally. God loves ALL of us no exceptions. That's how Maddie loved. Look around today and you can see that unconditional love. People are gathered here --people who may otherwise never cross paths--Maddie brought people together. And we loved Maddie. God loves Maddie and God loves each of us. Sometimes you may not feel that, you may feel so distant from God, and that's okay. Feel our love--let us wrap our arms around you and be the hands and feet of Christ here in the flesh. Let us be the love of God for you.

God loves us so very much that God came to live among us and to journey to the cross and beyond for us. Jesus lived a short 33 years, but during that time he too felt deep pain. He felt the pain of the betrayal of his friends, those he thought knew and loved him most. He felt unbearable grief at the grave of his friend. Jesus felt loneliness, betrayal, and fear. He cried out to God in his anguish expressing how he felt forsaken even by God. God understands the darkness that can overtake us.

There is nothing God desires more for us than complete and total wholeness. God desires that we all live into the people God created us to be--complete and whole. God journeys with us on our journey towards that wholeness beginning at our baptism and continuing until we are united with God for all of eternity. For some the journey is a long one and for others it is much shorter. Maddie's journey began here at her baptism and, for us, her journey was far too short. She is now complete and whole, pain free and resting in God's arms.

I need to say this very clearly. God does NOT cause, allow whatever verb you want to use, tragedies to happen to teach us or someone else a lesson. God does NOT want us to experience the pain we are feeling so something good will come out of it. God is loving and forgiving and merciful and full of grace.

Thursday morning I walked out to my front yard to look at what I call my resurrection garden. Every year I plant the lilies we have placed on the altar at Easter for my grandparents and my husbands grandparents and every year they bloom just when I need to be reminded of God's eternal love and of the resurrection. Thursday I looked down and noticed they were different sizes and heights. Some were very tall reminding me some people have long lives, others were very short. But they were all blooming--there is always resurrection. I looked down again and saw all the weeds crowding them (I'm not so good at keeping up with that). I thought that's the world we live in--a world that is broken and messy--a world of weeds but out of that, despite that resurrection does always comes. Always.

Alleluia the Lord is risen.

Dogs, Shells, and People--My Balm in Gilead

If you're sick of me droning on and on about loss and grief, join the

club. I am the President of the "get over yourself and move on" Club. The problem is I'm doing a really lousy job--the impeachment process has probably already started...

I haven't felt like writing because I don't like to write when I can't tie it all up--you know in a pretty package with a great big, cost more than the present, bow. And like other writers (sometimes I pretend I'm one of those) I know it's not really a good idea to write until you're through the experience--learned that in EFM too. But this morning two things happened....

The second--I was reading a blog by someone I'd never read before, but I was hooked. She is a real writer, funny, honest, sincere, and deep. I highly recommend you follow her Justifying Jane. (an aside--I was trying to click on one of her blogs a smart wise friend had posted on facebook. The link wouldn't work so if it doesn't work for you try typing it into your browser. I have no idea why I worked so hard to read that post that I spent 15 minutes trying to figure it out, hmmmm.....maybe that's a third thing) Anyway she wrote this in one of her posts, "And that’s where I’m at right now. I’m in the midst of a very specific and painful storm. The worst part about this storm, is that it didn’t just happen to me. I wasn’t minding my own business when all of a sudden the clouds rolled in and started screwing with my life. There’s no fundraisers or meals or Hallmark cards for this kind of storm."

So that's where the first part came in....

Even though I can't run or even walk down the beach, I get up every morning and head down there so the dogs can run and I can pray or cry or scroll through facebook or read leadership books--basically so the dogs won't drive me crazy all day.  Just like when I used to run, some of the same people pass every day, many with dogs. Winnie and Bobby LOVE their new friends.

Two days ago one woman with her 8 month tri-colored springer was passing one way and a couple with their mutt and 8 week springer puppy were passing the other. This was the first day they passed at the same time. Everyone stopped in front of me. I didn't get up--y'all it's not pretty trying to get up off the sand at 51 years of age with a knee that won't bend or straighten, and if truth be told, I was hoping they'd just say hello and chop

chop walk on.  They didn't.

Not only did they not quickly leave, the gentleman came over to me. At this point my raised in the south to always be polite and overly explain took over, "I'm sorry I'm not getting up. I just had total knee replacement 6 weeks ago and it's hard to get up and down." I'm not really sure how the conversation continued. What I do remember is his wife joining us as the other woman continued on (why couldn't they do that too?). Somehow running came up, and God help me I don't want to be a broken record pity party, but I said something to the effect of how sad I was about not being able to run on the beach--as though they'd care.

They did.

The man said, "We totally understand. We were marathon runners. I had to have both hips replaced and she had breast cancer and broke her femur. Now we just walk." Tears sprang to my eyes (you saw that coming didn't you?), I literally started spewing forth all my sadness, pointing to the pier, and moving my feet back and forth in the sand like I was running. They both just kept nodding. Finally I said, "What did you find to take the place of running?" She said, "Beer" while he said, "Nothing." Then they laughed. He continued, "No here's the honest truth, we have found nothing that replaces it. We still wish we could run marathons or even a 5K. We still get sad and angry. But for now we just walk and meet people like you." WOW! And I've been wanting to write about that for two days, but here's the thing. I wanted it to be life changing and to get me out of my funk. I wanted it to be my balm in Gilead--no that's not true, I wanted it to miraculously cure me.

A balm in Gilead is medicine that heals, but we all know it doesn't cure after one dose...

This morning I saw my friends walking towards me. About 10 yards from me the man bent down and picked something up. As they got closer he said, "Do you ever collect shells? We do. We like to find beautiful ones. I found this one just down there near you. I'd like you to have it." Tears again...."Thank you," I responded. "I'm going to put it on my desk at work to remind me of this time."

So three not two things:
1. God works through dogs and people and shells--
2. God works through technology
3. God works through writers like Justifying Jane

God works--God is never finished. I may never be completely over being sad about not running, but I believe it will get better (sooner rather than later would be good). God is working on it....