The Monster Under the Bed--My Planner

Before I became one of them--them, the empty nesters, I heard a lot of "what to expect" statements. I will say, people give you the "good news" without the counter bad news, but hey, when you're talking a soon to be empty nest mama off the ledge, you go with what you got.

"Your grocery bill will go down significantly" But your housing and allowance for the new college students, far exceeds that....

"You won't have to pick up shoes, books, dirty clothes (fill in the blank)" But now you can see all the dust because it's not covered by the above....

"You can have whatever you want for dinner and at whatever time you want." But you do have to learn how to cook for two--still working on that...oh, and significant other now wants to help which adds a whole other level...yes, I'm also a control freak, might as well admit everything today.

"You won't have to sit in the cold night after night at sporting events or on uncomfortable bleachers in either too hot or too cold gyms." But for us it just means we have to drive 7 hours each way to sit in the cold or on uncomfortable bleachers. Not as often as before, but we still do....and we don't get to know their friends in the same way, and we might think unpleasant things about the parents who live close enough to be at everything....

"You won't have to stay up late waiting for them to come home." But you will wake up several times through the night for other reasons, because now you are OLD!

I heard these and other statements, and I'll say it, empty nest isn't all bad. In fact, there are times we rather enjoy it. And it did help to have friends who walked this road before us to help us prepare. But no one prepared me for this....

HAVING TO FIND A NEW PLANNER!!!

I'm not kidding--this is where the tears have really fallen over the past 2 weeks....I'm just going to admit it right here. I am a planner, office supply, colored pen junkie. I LOVE searching for and finding just the right one. We could probably send another child to college with all the money I've spent over the years in my search.

And I found some really good ones that were perfect for the time. The MomAgenda, Erin Condren, Happy planner, wall calendars from Shutterfly, daytimers, and several others. They all had their place, and they worked for our busy, color coded, chaotic life.

  

In October someone stole my briefcase and in it was my planner. I'm going to be honest here, I don't remember which one that was only that it had my WHOLE life in it, and it was working. I also learned it is very hard to find a planner in October you can use immediately. So I went to a friend who is also a neurotic color coding, paper planner and asked what she was using. She gave me all the details, the exact specs of what she was using, and I bought one just like hers! (well not the cover). I used it, or tried to use it for a couple months. Here's the deal, my wonderful friend still has two children at home--two young children whose schedules she has to manage (and drive them to). I tried and tried to fill this planner up and make it work, instead it just made me sad. And as crazy as it sounds, I have spent time actually crying as I look at and try to use this planner.

So last Saturday I spent 4 1/2 hours going down the rabbit hole of youtube videos on "the best planners" and how to organize them. I kid you not, I took notes, made charts, and diligently considered all the options. And if you think that makes me seem a little cuckoo, google it yourself and check out the HUNDREDS of people who make these videos and websites. I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE!!!

After much searching, I have found what I think will work this year (I do have to return 2 I bought just to compare.....). I'm even going to try to use fun stickers, something I've always wanted to do, and in theory seemed like a great idea, but 4 children, a job and a husband didn't leave a lot of time for me to sit around and be creative! But that's not the important thing I  learned. I learned more about grief--a classroom I'd like to leave and never come back to. Grief that comes in many forms, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, the loss of what was, the loss.... I thought I understood it, but I realize none of us ever completely understands it.

Grief is the monster under your bed from your childhood. You "know" it's lurking there, but you don't see it. Some nights you head up to bed, have your bedtime story, say your prayers and settle in for a night of peaceful sleep. But sometimes you head up to bed, have your bedtime story, say your prayers, and out of nowhere it springs. The small nightlight you've begged for casts larger than life shadows you are sure are the fangs or claws of your monster. You can "hear" it breathing and "feel" it squirming. Grief is the under the bed monster with an insidious hold on people. You can't control it, or predict it, instead you have to endure the nights when it comes and give thanks for the ones when it doesn't. And you don't know from day to day which it will be or what may unleash its fury, for me this fall, it was a dang blasted planner that didn't work.

The other thing I know about the monster under the bed, over time it loses its power. As a child I was terrified of going upstairs or downstairs by myself, and lying in bed was often complete terror for me. (It didn't help my lovely little brother whom I adore, took great pleasure in jumping out from behind doors....) I now go months, maybe even a year, without thinking once about what is "under the bed" or what danger may lurk, but sometimes, especially when I'm alone in the house, it suddenly hits me and I am again shaking, possibly crying, and scared.

I know there are many people right now full of grief that seems to be overpowering them--many people I know and love, and many I do not. This season of holiday joy and the planning for the New Year, for many is a monster under the bed. I pray you know and can feel that you are not alone. You are loved.

And I pray there is someone who will sit with you and hold you on that bed until the monster is deeply slumbering and temporarily forgotten.

In the meantime, I am praying for and with you. It seems dark and scary right now, because it is, but I know this to be true. The light shines, even the smallest of lights, but it shines in the darkness and the darkness has not and will not overcome it. (paraphrased John 1:5).

I see you.