I Quit the I Would Never Camp

I get it. I know by being so out there on social media (and in life) I

leave myself wide open to judgement--to criticism either spoken directly to me or spoken about me (or maybe people just say it to themselves). This morning the world of me being over the top transparent and the world of me being super sensitive collided, but I learned something--or maybe was just reminded of something.

I thought back on the year I taught a parenting class. I was 24; I wasn't married; and I had no children.  I'm pretty sure I owe a lot of people a refund. The truth is, however, I'm not sure even now at 51, married with 4 just about grown children I am qualified to teach a parenting class; I certainly don't know what the "right" way to parent all children is because, well because, children are people--uniquely and wonderfully made in the image of God--uniquely. I truly believe there is no one way fits all. I also believe what may be right today may not be tomorrow, so that be consistent 100% of the time stuff doesn't really work. (Yep that was my go to about why parents were struggling with rearing children....)

But I haven't always seen it this way....

I've been, and still can be, that person. I've changed over the years. I've become a little less neurotic. My dear friend Gillian can attest to the fact, SK never left the house without her smocked dress, hair bow, and panty covers completely coordinated, ruffled socks and keds to match the outfit or saddle oxfords.. My good friend Karin can tell you not four years later we stood together as my fourth and her fifth child walked into preschool with mixed match clothes, wearing rain boots on a particularly bright and sunny day. Caroline's bow was askew, and I'm pretty sure her hair wasn't completely brushed. We were well aware we were being judged, but we didn't care--we were late to the tennis courts!

With the birth of each child I would think, "I've finally got this figured out." It usually took less than 48 hours to realize, "Nope. This new child is different than the others." I did and do, however, think a lot about parenting. I did and do think about trying my hardest to be a "good" parent. I guess I'm just not sure what that is.

I used to think I knew, and I'm realizing there's lots of people who belong to the same club. The club of "I would never."

"I would never let my child wear that in public."
"I would never let my child speak to me that way."
"I would never buy my child/let my child drive a car if he/she totaled one."
"I would never know my child was doing something wrong and ignore it."
"I would never accept mediocre grades when I knew my child wasn't trying."
"I would never let an adult child move home."
"I would never give money when I didn't know how it was being spent."
"I would never.." fill in the blank.

Looking back over the 24+ years I've been a parent I can tell you this. I have done some things I swore I would never do, and I have not done some things I swore I would do. I have let my child wear things I didn't particularly love or think were entirely appropriate; I have ignored words and tones. I have allowed one child to get away with something I came down hard on another about. Our children have totaled more cars than I can count, and they still drive cars we are funding. I have yelled, cried, coddled, begged, bribed, over compensated, under compensated, ignored, and helicoptered. I have made many, many mistakes, and I have had a few wins.

And I have become sensitive....

Because here's the thing I remembered today. We have NO IDEA what goes on in someone else's family or life. We have no idea why a parent is choosing one "battle" over another. We have no idea what a child is going through, a parent is going through, a family is going through. We have no idea if someone is just trying to get through the day or even the hour.

I do know, nonetheless, what it feels like to be judged. I do know what it feels like to want to defend myself and my choices. I do know what it feels like to hurt for my child. And I do know what it feels like to believe I'm getting everything wrong.

My four children who came from the same parents and were reared in the same home, are so incredibly different. They're different because they are uniquely made, because they are individuals, and because they are not clay to be formed by my hands. We are all the work of God's hands.

I know one other thing...

I know on most days I'm doing my best. That's what I remembered today--to give grace to others because most days we're all just doing our best. And those days when we're not? Well those days let's just love one another, forgive one another and move on.

I'm resigning from the "I Would Never Club."