I'll Always Be the Little Sister, But...

I left for Charlotte determined not to be vulnerable--determined not to expose myself--determined not to share.  Seriously I have no idea why (therapist anyone?).  My sister and I have always been close--best friends in fact, but for whatever reason my defenses were up--perhaps that should read my insecurities were up.

I suppose I could psychoanalyze myself (as though I don't do that enough already)  I have been feeling vulnerable, insecure, and frankly somewhat (totally) like a failure.  While we have always been close, I have also always felt a bit inadequate.  There I've said it--admitting it is the first step right?

I suppose some of it comes from childhood.  I know it wasn't intentional, but it was always made clear that Meredith was the petite one (read the one whose body and therefore her worth just a tad bit better).  I guess that translated in my adolescent and then never quite grown up mind into she was "better" overall.  And I've spent years trying to measure up.  (I think my therapist may get to retire on me...)

The thing is she is amazing.  I know that, and I'm incredibly proud of her.  She's a dedicated athlete,

an amazing school counselor, an advocate for her children, a supporter of her husband, a true friend, a beautiful hostess, a great cook--anyone else feeling inadequate now?  Because of my past few months I felt, well inadequate--not enough,  and I didn't want her to see that--let's be honest, I don't want to see much less feel that, so up went the walls of protection--the barriers of my soul.

Monday afternoon and night was going so well.  We were having fun.  I was laughing, relaxing--turning into the cared for little sister.  The next morning she told me she was going to take off around 11 for sister time.  My heart was so full of love but my mind was screaming, "NO!!  You might have to tell her something." I even told her she didn't have to--she did anyway.

She came home; we went to lunch with my brother-in-law (who by the way is hysterical which also isn't good because I could feel myself relaxing and I didn't need to relax--had to keep my game on) but all seemed to be going fine.  While getting ready for a walk; I checked my email--big mistake.  I had an email about which I will not share, but an email that shook me to my core.  I debated telling her I was sick and couldn't go.  Nope that wouldn't work, so I promised myself I wouldn't say a word about it.  I would hold it together.

We started walking with Colonel (maybe that was the problem we had God's gift with us (Colonel--A Gift from God), but she kept asking about me!!  "Shut up," I was screaming in my mind, "Just tell me about you.  Let's talk about you.  I don't want to talk about me!!!"  I kept darting and trying to change the subject and she kept asking--she was like a dog with a bone....Suddenly before I could stop myself I spewed the whole email story and all the other parts of my life that feel so out of control. And she just listened..then she asked questions, she tried to understand.

We walked five miles sharing our lives--I tried to explain mine and what the future might hold for me.  (Hard to do when I don't really know...) She asked questions, offered her perspective and it was a good walk.  And I didn't cry-BONUS!!!  (See not crying proves I'm not vulnerable....how many appointments do I need?!?!?)

Home and hanging on the porch.  Chris called--and I began sobbing.  See it's all HIS fault!!!  I quickly left the porch and hid in my room with the sink running so she wouldn't hear me.  We talked, he tried to calm me down--I hated it for him.  I knew he felt powerless.  When I returned to the porch she HAD TO ASK, "You okay?"  I tried to pretend I was and then the walls like Jericho came tumbling down..."I'm wondering if I should revoke my vows.  I don't know if I'm worthy to be a priest, if I should be a priest."  There it was my deepest fear and my feelings of complete brokenness. I plopped myself on the couch completely fatigued and defeated and ready for her shock. "Well," she said as she casually walked by as though I had just told her I had a hangnail, "I don't think that's your choice.  Seems to me God called you.  We all know God called you, so I guess that's not an option." No drama, no shock just validation.  Validation as my sister and I believe in that moment validation from God. And with those words I knew, while I might feel less than that is not how she sees me. Beyond that I knew God didn't see me that way.

I'll always be the little sister, and honestly who am I kidding--I'll still have feelings of inadequacy; I'll still feel like I have to measure up, but I'm working on it.  Everything didn't heal immediately, the email is still haunting me; I am still terrified about the future; I still have doubts about my faith; I will still worry I'm not a good enough mother, a good enough wife, a good enough friend, but for that moment--actually for two days in Charlotte I felt more than enough.  Meredith believes I am enough and through her I was reminded that so God does too.

Sometimes walls are important but we all need places where there are no walls, where we can let ourselves be totally vulnerable, totally exposed, and totally loved--I found that one of my places is in Charlotte--where's yours?

*added disclaimer--I read a blog this morning from a dear friend who said play-by-play blogposts are usually boring.  My narcissistic side immediately went to, "She's talking about me." and then I panicked as I was writing this...I did it anyway--play-by-play.  I consider it a form of therapy--free therapy!