I was both over the moon excited about Thanksgiving and terrified about how it would go. In some ways I just wanted the whole thing to be over. The unknown...ugh!
It's been a really long time since we were all together, and a lot has changed. One of the things I have learned, and relearned, and relearned (it takes awhile) is when change happens--any change good or bad--relationships shift. Not only that, the speed at which they shift or don't shift differs between people. AND, where we each are within the change not only differs between people but can differ within ourselves on a daily or even hourly basis.
It's a lot like grief. We grieve in different ways and are at different places within our grief at different times. I guess, in some ways, change, even good change, is a type of grief. We get comfortable in our relationships even in the bad stuff. I mean, at least we know what to expect. But when we change--well you get the picture.
So I was stressed, and I don't handle stress well. I become quiet, withdrawn, extremely sensitive, completely in my head, and all in all panicked. And it's really fun for my husband when I try to pretend I'm not---like on the drive to Virginia two days ago.
As I was trying to talk myself off the proverbial ledge, my thoughts went to all the hard stuff from this year. And there was a TON. I'll be honest, I'm not over a lot of it. "I know God is present in all of the really hard and painful shit that happened this year to me and to others," I thought, "But knowing it and feeling it, and growing from it, and finding anything about it to give thanks about, is a LOOOOOONG time coming." I thought about 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (mainly because I had just written about it and not because I can just pull scripture from my head citing chapter and verse). “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” I'm not there. I want to be, but I'm not. Oh in my head, I can list the ways I've grown, but to give thanks for it? No thank you.
And then my thoughts went to others--to those I know and love, and to those I only know about. I thought about how social media will be full of posts with #grateful, #blessings, #thankful. I thought about how people will ask each other, "What are you thankful for this year?" And I suspected there would be many tables where people ask to go around and say what they're thankful for (and yes ours was one of those). My mind and heart went to those who will have a blank stare because I get it.
Because it was a 4 1/2 hour drive I got to keep thinking....
I thought about those who are dreading going over the river and through the woods (do people still sing that) because of strained family relationships and I thought about those who could not longer go or had nowhere to go.
As we rounded a curve and crossed the state line it occurred to me, it's all okay. It's okay to be thankful and it's okay to not be thankful. It's okay to be able to acknowledge how the hard times of life have given me and others the opportunity for growth and new relationships. And it's okay to not be there.
Before Jesus ascended he promised the disciples "And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20) I can't be thankful for everything that has happened this year. I'm not ready to find "the good" or "what I've learned" in some of it. I also don't know if I ever will be. But I know with all my heart God is present in and through it all. I can give thanks for that.
1 comment:
It's always Yin and Yang, both sides. It's all God's and it is always changing and changing
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