sticks and stones

I was reading a devotional this morning that was based on the following scripture:
if you utter worthy, not worthless, words, you will be My spokesperson.”
Jeremiah 15:19 (NIV). The devotional was good and it kept me thinking about words in general and my words in particular. The Bible has a lot to say about the power of words and their ability to hurt deeply and to heal. This verse in particular made me think about not what I should say, but rather what I shouldn't. I'm reminded that words are powerful and through worthy words we can be spokespeople for God, then doesn't it seem to follow that we should be very careful about what words leave our mouths? Sometimes the kindest words are the ones not spoken.

Remember the saying "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me?" We repeated it over and over as children--for the record, it's not true. Words can and do hurt--I'm going to be careful how I use them.

That's a life to hang your hat on

Since the episode with my son and the bullying child (who has been suspended), I've been thinking a lot about what it is in my children that brings me pride and what it is about us all that brings God pride or that defines a well lived life. There is a song we have dedicated to Christopher and the words really have me thinking..

"And if all you ever really do is the best you can
Well, you did it man

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of"

Wealth, power, prestige those aren't the things to be proud of. Yes, if you work hard and acquire wealth, give generously, then that is good, but it's not the wealth that brings pride it's the working hard. It's doing the best you can in whatever that is and it's finding within yourself the strength to do it.

This has been rolling around my mind for several days and then I just read a sermon on the upcoming week's gospel. Jesus tells Peter that upon him he will build his church. Jan Richardson says the following, "Jesus names Peter the rock. In doing so, Jesus signifies that he both recognizes what is within Peter and is also calling forth what has yet to take form in him."

What is in us that God is calling forth? I believe we see glimpses of it--Christopher showed it Monday--but God sees so much more.

We Are All Victims

Last night my son came to me and asked if we could talk privately. I must admit that I usually have some sense of what the conversation will be, but last night I had no idea. Christopher came into the room and had the largest crocodile tears in his eyes. They slowly descended down his face as he said, "something bad is happening at school." "What is it?" I asked him bracing for some confession. Christopher proceeded to tell me about a child who is an Eastern Indian and who is being taunted by a young man at the school. Things such as throwing rocks at his feet and saying, "Dance for your master Indian boy" are happening on a daily basis. Christopher told me that last week the Indian boy had been thrown to the ground by the much larger child--the boy just stood up and walked away. Yesterday, Christopher sat by the young man and asked why he didn't tell. Quietly the boy told Christopher "because it will just get worse." Christopher was now racked with sobs and although I didn't want to, I felt that I must ask him if he had participated in the teasing or whether the stood by and laughed. He firmly responded that he did neither but that he would walk away when the victim did (not necessarily with him). Christopher was frustrated, angry and sad about the situation at school, and he didn't understand it. He kept asking me, "why does ________ care what country ________is from?"

Chris and I talked to Christopher and told him that we thought he should report the incident. Christopher was terrified and wasn't sure he would. He said, "then _______will just pick on me." It was late and everyone was tired so we went to bed. This morning, Christopher came to me and said, "Will you go with me to Mrs. French" (the principal). We left early and had a 10 minute meeting where Christopher relayed all he knew. It was a wonderful moment and Mrs. French was incredible. She assured Christopher that his name would never be told to anyone else (except the counselor). Even the teachers would not be informed of who came forward. But she stressed to Christopher that inside he should be proud and stand up a little taller because he did come forward. She thanked him profusely and told him that bullying was not acceptable in our school for any reasons and that she would handle it immediately.

I must admit I am as proud of Christopher as I have ever been of a child for two reasons. First it took courage to speak up to me and then to the school but also I see inside of him a sensitivity and caring that is so deep and intense that even trying to be a cool 11 year old could not contain it. His sense of social justice is a part of him that I value and admire. On the other hand, I am aware that there are truly many victims in this. The first is obviously the Indian child who has been bullied day after day for no other reason than his ethnic origin. It is sad to me that he at this early age he has somehow learned to just bear it because it will just get worse if reported. I suppose he has experienced racism more than once and perhaps even in his home his family says just ignore it. Christopher is also a victm; here is a child who truly does not understand racism or how it works but yet he is traumatized by watching it. And finally, the young boy bullying is himself a victim of society and perhaps his own family who passes down these horrible ideas. This child had to learn these attitudes from somewhere, so yes, I don't want to admit it, but he too is a victim.

How many victims will prejudice attitudes continue to take? I know one little boy who is no longer a victim for he took back his power this morning!

Expectations and Free Will

I spent a lot of time this weekend at youth athletic events. I really enjoy going to these, but I am continually startled by the parents. It seems we are specializing our children younger and younger and then we place these high expectations on them to not only succeed but to be the best. We begin spending large amounts of money at a very early age because they have shown some interest and perhaps some natural ability. We even label our children saying things like, "he's the athlete in the family" "she's the creative one" "she will be a great lawyer" "he should go into engineering". And I'm speaking of parents doing this before the age of 10. As parents we put undo pressure on our children to choose early what they want to do and I'm beginning to think there must be many children who then feel locked into their chosen area. By doing this are we taking away their choices--their free will? And if we convince ourselves that they indeed did choose, are we taking away their choice to change their minds? As I frequently do, I began to think about this in terms of how God would handle these things.

In Jeremiah 29:11, God tells us "for I know the plans I have for you", but he doesn't tell us what it is. He also tells us "you will seek me and find me". Yes, God knows what plan he has for us, but he tells us to seek him and find him and in that way we will find the plan for our lives. He doesn't tell us that we have to figure it all out by the age of 10 and he doesn't instruct parents to determine it for their children. This is an individual quest that is part of our individual relationships with God. That certainly doesn't mean that we shouldn't expose our children to activities they seem interested and/or gifted in, but I think we need to be careful and not let these activities be what defines them and/or limits them in their lives. So it seems by looking at these verses that there is a specific plan for each of us, and perhaps there is. But I'd like to join that with the Gospel reading and sermon from this past Sunday. In Matthew 15:21-28 Jesus is challenged by a Canaanite woman who wants her daughter healed. He verbally spars with her, and the sermon I heard this week asserted that he changed his mind. Initially Jesus would not even turn to or speak to the woman, but as she challenged (and showed her faith) he turns and heals her daughter. When I think of these two parts of the bible together, it makes me wonder--does God have a plan for us that perhaps is not set in stone? Maybe as we are living our lives, challenging ourselves and sometimes God, maybe God does change his mind. Maybe we are heading in one direction-a good direction-but for some reason we change. Do we have the strength to accept that perhaps there is a new plan from God for us? Takes a lot of courage to give up on something you've invested a great deal in. We know that God loves us no matter what, that nothing can change that--not if we change professions, sports interests, friendships or anything. It's something to remember with our children--whose choosing their activities? Are we influencing them directly or indirectly? Are we putting too much pressure on them? And are we giving them the right, the free will, to decide if its no longer what they want?

Doubting Faith

Faith is so easy to have when the times are good. It's so easy to have when you look back on the scary bad times and see God's hand in everything that happened. And faith is so hard in the dark of the night, waiting for the morning to come when there will either be good news (back to the easy faith) or bad news--when you need faith the most.

I have spent the last several hours remembering times when God has worked miracles in my life and in the life of my family. I have revisited bible stories of people whose faith was so strong that they seemed to easily say to themselves, "it's in God's hand and whatever He has planned is going to be good even if it means losing my life." And I want to have that faith--I desperately want to have that faith, but right now when I need it the most I am totally and completely afraid. I'm repeating scripture to myself and trying to convince myself that God is my rock and my protector. I'm trying but I'm also saying to myself I don't want this to be life threatening. I'm not ready to let go of my family and I can see no good that would come from that.

I will tell you what my faith is doing for me. My faith is strong enough to know that while I am afraid and feeling so alone, there is a community of faith out there who can and will hold me in prayer--the prayers I can't seem to find myself. My faith reminds me that this is good enough for God; He understands what its like to be afraid and alone and He understands that we must have people step in for us when we can't do it ourselves. I know God isn't holding it against me that I'm trying to have faith while at the same time doubting. God is good and I see that through my community of faith.

First Day of School

As a child, I always loved the first day of school. I would go to school with my new freshly sharpened pencils, clean and organized notebooks, books covered and ready to start again. There are no grades yet in the grade book and most of the time I had never had the teacher before. Basically it was a fresh start in my education and a fresh start to the year. What I didn't know or at least wasn't consciously aware of was that although it looked like a complete and total fresh start, there was a permanent record that followed me from year to year. This record consisted of my final grades from all previous years, test scores, and any serious disciplinary action that had taken place (I'm pleased to say I never had anything serious although I'm certain every report card said talks too much!). Over the years I have not only been a teacher myself, but I have spoken to quite a few about what they do with that permanent record. Some choose not to look at it until several weeks into school; they prefer to form their own opinions about students. Some read them cover to cover before the first day of school so that they can "know" and/or "understand" the students better. The other thing I now know as an adult that I didn't as a child was that even for the teachers who don't read the records early, if students stay in one school year after year, most teachers know who they are. Teachers are human and they talk in the teacher's lounge, during breaks and over lunch. Unfortunately, the talk is usually about the more difficult students and the more difficult parents. So I know realize that a fresh start is not a totally blank slate.

I'm thinking this morning as my children are going to be starting school, that life and relationships are a bit like that. Things happen and we say we are going to start over and try as we might to have a total complete blank slate, more times than not there are still a few stray marks. There are still things that follow us even if we choose not to look at them or at least not often. When we say or do something that hurts someone deeply, apologies are wonderful and they can help erase the pain, but there is still a faint mark left on the paper that can be seen. I'm not sure, and I'm struggling with, how do we or should we try to completely erase the marks that are left on us? Honestly, I don't know how to get rid of them completely and there are some I truly wish I could. Some would say they are reminders either for us in our future behavior or reminders about a certain person so that we are cautious in future dealings.

These painful marks sometimes come to the surface and the sting is still there--does that mean we haven't forgiven? I don't know what to do with these thoughts as far as how to erase the marks that have been left on my life, but I do know that I want to try as hard as I can to only leave positive marks on the lives of others.

Aristotle

"Anyone can become angry, that is easy...
but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree,
at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right
way...this is not easy."

Getting Over It

Sometimes it's hard to get over hurt and anger--particularly when it feels unresolved or worse yet, you are almost 100% certain it will happen again. It's hard to get over the hurt and anger, but it is holding onto it that eats away at me. It begins to consume my life to the point that everything I see that in any small way reminds me of the person or event, causes a visceral reaction. It has to be released and I'm ashamed to say that it is often released on the wrong person. It is truly a struggle and one that I cannot accomplish alone. I must rely on my faith and my belief that it is possible to get through; its just so easy to forget that. But that's what anger does, it destroys the person holding it; it steals all the joy from that person's life; it takes away that persons inner strength. Anger consumes and destroys-people and relationships and usually not the guilty person. It seems a bit unfair.

Boundaries, Acceptance, Responsibility and Love

Relationships are hard. In relationships, things happen; people hurt one another sometimes intentionally sometimes not. People do things that are annoying and some times down right mean. But people also do and say wonderful things for and to one another. The question is how to navigate relationships; how to know when there are misunderstandings; how to express yourself, your needs, and not step on the other person's.



People talk about boundaries and creating healthy boundaries. Are boundaries different for different people? So many times we say or do something to a family member that we would never dream of doing to a friend. Why is that? Should we not love and respect our family even more than a friend? I suppose we just expect that we will be forgiven and/or we are just not worried that they will get overly angry. If you treat a friend unkindly repeatedly, they will most likely no longer be your friend; it takes more for families to break apart. But is that right?



I've been trying to work through the difference between boundaries and acceptance. In relationships, we all know there are some things you are just not going to change about the other person. I understand and accept that, but does that mean I have to accept everything about that person? Where does individual responsibility lie and if accepting means my boundaries are continually crossed isn't that becoming a door mat? I've been thinking about the verse in the bible that says if you have a grievance against your brother, go to him and tell him. Surely then we are not to just accept anything?



I am reminded of the serenity prayer which says to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference. When I know the difference, what do I do? How do I respond in love, accept others for who they are are and how they live and still be true to myself?

Valuable Lessons

Sometimes life gives me lessons through unexpected people and in unexpected ways. I think we all have to be open to them and ready to receive them. I fully admit I'm certain there are many I miss, but this one I got and I am so thankful.

A couple of days ago I unintentionally hurt a family members feelings. It truly was unintentional and I feel badly about it, but at the time, I also felt some irritation that my actions were assumed to be hurtful. I was talking to my cousin about it and frankly fully expecting that we would have a conversation which would include her justifying my irritation and telling me how I was right etc. etc. Instead this is what she said to me, "Life circumstances have lead you in a direction--, moving around a lot and living far from family you have become very independent and self sufficient. That is on top of the fact that you have always been a strong independent person who is more than capable of handling most things." At this point, I thought she would go onto say how great that is, what a fantastic person that makes me--this is a quality of mine that I hold in high regard. In the past the only thing I thought was negative about this quality was that sometimes I don't get it when people appear helpless to me. But that's not what happened. The conversation continued like this, "I think you should think about how that comes across to other people. When you are just getting on with it and handling things by yourself, there are people that may feel shunned. Perhaps this person needs to feel needed and by not asking for or accepting help, this person sees you as not caring. It could make them feel not a part of your life. They are reacting to the situation from their needs and you are reacting from yours and neither of you are considering that one person doesn't have to be right and one person wrong. It's just a difference in perspective."

I was blown away by this comment--not angry at all but rather my eyes were open to another possibility. I learned two valuable lessons from this short conversation with my cousin. First was the lesson on perspective and the second was that when someone tells you something with love and concern as my cousin did, it doesn't feel like criticism or an assault on my character. It's made me wonder why open honest conversations don't happen more? Why don't people express themselves, share their thoughts, and give alternative ways of looking at things? What are we all so afraid of--what power are we going to lose?

I'm reminded of the sermon given at my wedding. The New Testament reading we chose was Colossians 3.12-17
"As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
What I remember our rector saying was so when you hurt one another, and you will, remember to bear with one another and forgive. It's helped me in my marriage and I think it can help me in the rest of my relationships as well.

I give thanks for my cousin who took a risk and addressed the issue in a way I wasn't expecting. Lessons can be learned in so many ways--keep your eyes open.